Stanford head football coach Jim Harbaugh has filed a formal complaint with the Pacific-10 Conference against Oregon and head football coach Chip Kelly, claiming the Ducks used magic to aid them in their crushing 52-31 defeat of the Cardinal on Saturday.
“It’s a ridiculous accusation,” Kelly said. “Everyone knows magic doesn’t exist.”
Yet Harbaugh is pushing ahead with the grievance. He doesn’t think the Ducks could have won the game naturally, but all the steroid tests came back negative.
“It’s obvious they didn’t beat us on their own,” a Stanford spokesperson said. “There has to be something else at play.”
Several of Stanford’s top players have claimed they saw Duck quarterback Darron Thomas pull a wand out of his pants and cast what is known to the younger generation as a “confounding charm” on another Stanford player.
“He just pointed that stick at me and muttered something that sounded like ‘confundus,’” said a player, who wishes to remain anonymous. The charm has yet to wear off; he had to be helped out of his chair.
The University’s legal team is assembling this week to decide what to do about the accusations. Representatives have contemplated trying to contact J.K. Rowling, the famous author of the Harry Potter novels, who seems to be the world’s pre-eminent magic expert. Others think the Harry Potter craze has caused people to actually believe in magic, giving Harbaugh an advantage.
This is a satirical article written by JoAnna Wendel