It’s weird how many people smoke cigarettes in Eugene. Of all the different groups of people who do — and don’t think for a second that smoking isn’t group-influenced — our hipster demographic definitely takes the cake for the blackest lung. Whether it’s the perfect release after a line or two, in between beers, or just a “molly thing,” it’s wise for everyone to be able to properly identify these wily hipster sorts by the smokes in their hand.
Genius marketing schemes by cigarette companies have given their brands personalities and styles, breathed new life into the bronchioles of the young, novice smoker and rejuvenated the rusty, creaky bronchioles of the old. One brand might express your abject poverty (when you lose the parents’ credit card), reflect your otherwise “natural” lifestyle or maybe even bring back fond memories of grandpa,if you’re into the grandpa-style thing. Nicotine levels determine potential cracked-outage, the additive cocktail determines how fast it gets into your system, but the outside of your pack can make or break your coolness at a party. In short, there’s the perfect cigarette brand out there for you; just don’t choose the wrong one or you might be playing the fool. In an effort to help limit these sort of novice mistakes, I suggest looking at the following branding guide.
Lucky Strikes: OK, first off, the actors in Mad Men aren’t really smoking cigarettes, but if they did, they’d sure be smoking these golden oldies. So if you made sure that your grandfather willed you his vintage Old Spice fragrance or if Kraft cheese, pesticides and having kids straight out of high school is your thing, look no further. Originally, these were only available in non-filtered form. Now you can get them with the filter. Don’t be a lame bro. Go authentic. Go hardcore. Go filterless.
Parliaments: Aka P-Funks or “crack cigz,” these will get you tweaking the quickest for sure. These suckers burn down in no time, making your midnight smokes at the library as efficient as possible. Some modern urban legends attribute Parliament’s iconic recessed filter to British WWII soldiers who had the tendency to blow a line or two in between artillery rounds. However, in all reality, the recess filter was to keep the cigarette away from the smoker’s lips. Whether you’re just looking for something that’s cafe chic or even if you’re one of “all the girls standing in line for the bathroom,” Parliaments will have your nicotine fix on lock. And for an extra kick, pack your new pack of Parli’s about 10 to 15 times for the highest possible nicotine concentration.
Natural American Spirits: So you’re the “all-natural” sort. “Cafeteria food? Psh, screw that.” “Uh, cheeseburger? Not for this vegan’s bony ass.” “Are you seriously going to throw that PBR can in the trash? Recycle that, you douchebag!” That sort of person. They come in strong numbers here in the Euge and what do you know, they make cigz for them too. They’re called Natural American Spirits, and what you’re getting is a stick full of natural, possibly organic and certainly additive-free deliciousness. It’s almost too good to be true, but too you can lead a healthy existence as a cigarette smoker just like the Native Americans. Just imagine the fluidity and continuity of your life as you whip out that blue pack, light up a stogie and zip towards campus on your hot-ass fixie. Balance that cool isn’t even attainable by Zen Buddhist masters.
Rollies: It’s a bummer when your pop’s online funds transfer isn’t coming through and you got the shakes at four in the morning. Withdrawals are never fun, so next time you’re low on cash but need that fix too, bike on down to Midtown and get yourself a bag of shag tobacco and rolling papers. Or maybe your allowance is coming through, but having lived an upper-middle-class lifestyle for 20 years has jaded you. Those suburbs are for Arcade Fire albums, and you’d rather get down with the true workers and laborers of society. You’re a “broke” artist, drubbing through life. Roll a cig.
Grandpa style: Another brisk, drab, fall Eugene day, and what’s better to do than grab that cashmere cardigan and go attack the world head-on? Forgetting your old-man cigz would damage your personal brand. This is where your grandfather’s legacy comes in handy. What’s more authentic than being able to claim that you were branded at birth? “Yes, when I was conceived, my father’s seed was rife with that familiar mustiness of Winston cigarettes.” It doesn’t get much deeper than that. Really, though, one must tip the hat to these sorts and give some respect their dedication to their brand, because these cigarettes are like smoking a 100-year-old dusty wardrobe.
Recent developments, e.g. E-Cigz: I’ve never seen anyone actually smoke these seriously. Maybe if you’re trying to quit or your love for nicotine has caused you to take advantage of indoor nicotine vaporization, then these might serve you well. But seriously? Just be authentic, use a lighter and let your personal brand follow you around via ashtray odor.
A Harvard School of Public Health study four years ago revealed a 10-year trend by cigarette companies of increasing the nicotine content of their cigarettes. American Spirits, Parli’s, and some grandpa cigz like Merits, Basics and Winstons were raised significantly, some by more than 11 percent. In a ravaged economy like we have now, it’s nice and uncommon to see this sort of charity by huge multinationals like big tobacco.
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