Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
This week, the Canvassers Rights Association is running a nation-wide survey to find out how canvassers across the country are being treated by their employers and by the public.
It has released hundreds of canvassers on university campuses and busy city streets to poll local canvassers.
The well-intentioned effort is not popular among already well-established University canvassers.
“It’s really annoying,” said Greenpeace canvasser Willow Springs. “They won’t leave us alone. All they do is ask us questions, and follow us around and try to make us donate money. I don’t have money to donate!”
Many canvassers, from Greenpeace to the Oregon Student Association, have filed complaints to the University Department of Complaints and Recycling.
“We don’t want to be harassed by those stupid canvassers,” OSPIRG canvasser Elliot Arrowhead said. “It’s like, jeez, I have a life, you know? I just want to go about my day and get people to sign this petition to save the American spotted moth. At least what I’m doing actually matters.”
CRA canvasser Emily Meyer, after being “blown off” by more than 20 canvassers, wonders why she has encountered such bad attitudes.
“We just want to ask them a few questions,” Meyer said. “They act as if they don’t even care about CRA’s cause.”
“I like their cause, but I have important canvassing to attend to,” Springs said.
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