Originally, this column was going to be about the insensitivity of the American culture. I was going to bring up some examples of jokes that offended me and trends that disgusted me — you know, the usual, hard-hitting stuff that we columnists try to do.
But after about 10 homework breaks (Facebook checks), I realized that a great educational opportunity was being missed.
So class, welcome to FB 211: Philosophy of Facebook. I will be your instructor (or destructor in this case), and the syllabus can be found on my Facebook Notes.
The GPA killer known as Facebook came from the distinguished halls of Harvard University. Some douchebag named Mark Zuckerberg hacked into the Harvard servers to do all sorts of fancy-dancy stuff I can’t explain. He tricked three Harvard seniors into making them believe he was going to help out their website called harvardconnection.com, when really, he was stealing their ideas for his Facebook site. Of course, those students he bummed off were eventually rewarded substantially via a lawsuit.
Much like a decent job market is now, Facebook was only accessible to Harvard students. The doors were eventually opened to all Ivy League students and most colleges across the nation in February 2004. By September 2006, Facebook was open to anyone over the age of 13.
Since then, Facebooking has become America’s number one form of socially-accepted stalking — 500 million users spend more than 700 billion minutes per month checking their statuses, posting their pictures and usually wasting their lives away.
I’m sure I account for about, oh, half of those 700 billion minutes by contemplating what witty status I want to put up, posting gratuitous “hahahas” on links I find funny and even getting into philosophical discourses about race, class and religion, through statuses that stimulate very serious discussion and disagreement.
But for every great discussion, there are twice as many Facebook no-nos committed. Here are a list of things that, if you are doing, you should stop. Seriously.
The first thing is on my list is poking. I don’t know why or where I am being poked, so every time I look to the right of my news feed and see a “Steve Jones poked you” notification, I automatically assume it’s a poke for the worst. Besides, being poked in real-life is just plain awkward (please note, that wasn’t a “that’s what she said” joke).
The next thing on my list of no-nos is sex life statuses. There is probably nothing more disturbing than opening Facebook in a public place and seeing at the top of your feed, “Frank Williams: my girlfriend and i just had the best sex ever…OH YEAH!” Not only am I disinterested in your sex life, but anyone who walks by and looks at my screen will be disgusted with that post, and ultimately of me.
Please keep Facebook as PG-13 as possible. I have little cousins on there.
The third no-no on my list is the use of Farmville, Café World and any other Facebook game some of us choose to play. Facebook games are for parents and middle-aged people who don’t have enough friends and/or don’t know how to use the status-like-comment-combo effectively but still want to be cool and hip enough to be on Facebook.
My mom and grandma spend countless hours on Café World. Their profile pages look like big advertisements with all of their “Misha just made custard pie,” or “Vallory just made too much pizza” updates. Instead of playing that game, why don’t they just come to Eugene and make me a good-old home-cooked meal?
Other no-nos include: Q & A statuses, the use of FML, “like this if” or “repost this if” statuses, intentional misspellings (mayne I went to the sto an got me sum bomb azz food), the look-at-how-deep-I-am-because-I-can-come-up-with-a-cool-quote status (my most committed no-no), and Facebook creeping in public: Please, scroll through Jessica’s summer beach trip photo album in the safety of your room. People around you are trying to study, or, most likely, people around you are trying to focus on their own damn Facebooks.
Though it may be our most prevalent distraction, Facebook can be a productive, beneficial environment. People have stayed in contact on a basis that would’ve been impossible otherwise. Students have used it to find supplies and advice for assignments, and for me as a journalist, it has been one of my biggest tools. I’ve used it to start a group for my column, which has grown to more than 800 members. I’ve even found some of my most hard-hitting stories through “the Book.”
Facebook can be good or bad depending how you use it. While it does have a history of controversy, and while it does become a life-sucking vacuum at times, we can still find ways to be positive Facebook users, and it doesn’t have to be a problem.
That’s all I have for you today class. Remember, don’t let Facebook distract you too much these next couple of days …
And if you do, don’t worry, I’ll be right there with you.
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