“How do you have the conversation about making the jump to a committed relationship when the other person is only interested in casual dating?”
– Craving (serious) commitment
Dear Craving,
I’m just going to cut to the chase – did you get into the casual relationship with the understanding it would only be casual, or was it never talked about?
From the sound of it, you may have discussed this with your casual dating partner to a degree. Perhaps they said it in passing, or you might have posed the question nonchalantly, but either way you’re in a pickle. My question is, if you knew they weren’t looking for something serious, why did you keep dating them?
This question is not an attack ─ I simply ask because many people get into these situations not realizing they’ll have to approach them seriously. They assume they’ll be able to convince the other party to change their mind, or time will inevitably do so. If you do convince them to commit to you, that doesn’t mean they will immediately share your other relationship trajectory goals – this is just the first hurdle.
Relationship trajectory is an important aspect of deciding the kinds of relationships you want. I touched on it in my last piece, on whether to start a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem like marriageable material. I’m not saying you have to decide right now that you’re going to marry the next person you date, but it helps to know if you want to marry so you can look for people who want that too.
As a person who previously went through this “I-convinced-my partner-to-commit-to-me” route, it made me constantly second guess if I was doing enough to make it worthwhile for them to stay in an exclusive relationship with me, and in the end it still wasn’t enough.
Sure, there are plenty of stories of people who eventually convince people to date them and it ends with them being happy together forever ─ but those only turned out well after a lot of hard work. You have to accept that this person may not be open to a committed relationship right now, and it’s not up to you to change their mind.
Once you’ve stomached those realities, you must know the answers to three questions: when did you realize you wanted to get into a committed relationship, why does it have to be them and what benefits would exclusivity bring to your lives.
To make this conversation easiest for you, start with this format. With all the most crucial information out in the beginning, they can take it all in, then proceed to either ask questions or talk about their thoughts on your admission.
For example: let’s say you’ve been seeing someone for a month and a half. You’ve realized that you can talk to them about anything at any hour and feel they’d still accept you. You want to show them what you’re feeling ─ and that you want them to return the sentiment… Isn’t that a perfect way to frame it? They clearly get the message of why you like them, the benefits they can get out of it and a gauge of how long you may have harbored those feelings.
The rest of the conversation is the tricky part that I can’t exactly guide you on. Overall, be open to their comments, try to respond logically and don’t let the conversation go on too long. If you need to have a time cap for yourself beforehand, do it ─ from my experience, it works to keep the conversation on track.
In the end, have hope, be patient and don’t beat yourself up if the conversation doesn’t go your way.
If they give going exclusive a chance, that’s wonderful. But, they could also say they want to discontinue the relationship. Remember that a relationship is supposed to bring out the best of you, and you shouldn’t count on this decision as the end-all for your happiness. If anything, you’re incredibly brave for being vulnerable in pursuit of an uncertain and unexpected relationship.
