Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
After months of nonstop persuasion, members of the Alliance of Happy Atheists have finally convinced local Jesus aficionado Doug Signmann to stop showcasing his red “Jesus <3s You” sign and join their allegiance of atheism.
“After a while, holding that sign up just became tiring,” Signmann said. “I started to think, ‘If there was a God, would he really want me to be sitting here in this EMU Fishbowl making a fool of myself?’”
Feb. 27 was the last day Signmann wore a sign in the EMU Fishbowl area. It read: “I don’t really know if Jesus exists, but if he did, I’m sure he would love you.” Since then, Signmann has been reported to be “enduring a spiritual breakdown.” Members of AHA guided him through the passage from the light side to the dark side.
“We were thrilled to have Signmann join our forces,” said Bobby Randle, a smiling agnostic University sophomore. “He had always been one of our biggest archenemies.”
Randle said he looks forward to using Signmann’s story of revelation to guide many other lost Eugeneans to AHA’s cause.
“We’re deeply saddened by this news,” University Christian Christian Christopher said. “Doug was a great brother to us.”
Students who weren’t even Christians said they will miss Signmann’s sign and positive attitude toward the community.
“He was just so nice,” University junior James Williams said. “I’m considering holding up a ‘Signmann <3s You’ sign in honor of his departure from Christianity.”
AHA held a press conference where it unveiled a new sign for Signmann to hold in front of the student body at the EMU Fishbowl. It reads: “AHA loves you more than Jesus does.”
“I’m thrilled to give the student body the ultimate truth of atheism,” said Signmann, with the freshly painted sign draped over his shoulders.”Besides, this sign looks much cooler anyway.”
Signmann is expected to hit the streets with his new sign on April 24 — Easter Sunday.
“I know how devoted Signmann was to the Lord,” Jesus representative John the Baptist said. “I just hope AHA didn’t blackmail or hypnotize him into joining their group.”
AHA representatives refused to comment on the allegations.
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Shallot: Jesus Guy loses God, makes new friends in atheists
Daily Emerald
March 1, 2011
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