Editor’s note: This satirical article is part of the Emerald’s “Shallot” series. As such, the content is unbelievably fake.
On Tuesday, Xe Services, formerly known as Blackwater, hired John Ashcroft as its ethics director.
In lesser-reported news, Ritalin, Inc. hired Earl Simmons, better known as rapper DMX, to its ethics director position.
Frank D. Courier, head of Ritalin, Inc. said the hire was a natural fit.
“This is Dark Man X we’re talking about,” he said. “His face is very recognizable to the kids, and he’s expressed an immense interest in our product.”
According to Simmons, the choice to join Ritalin, Inc. was a matter of changing society. Simmons, a recovering cocaine addict, knows about temptation. Ever since he started using Ritalin, he’s been proud to say he hasn’t stepped foot in a prison cell.
“You see, our kids are susceptible to many evils out there that could easily land them in jail,” Simmons said. “I made some bad choices in my past, but once I started taking Ritalin, I realized the err in my ways. I can still get as high as I want, but when a cop pulls me over now, all I have to do is show my prescription and I can go on my way.”
Ritalin, Inc. has been criticized by many groups, including the American Drug Deniers, for their use of Simmons and accused the company of using the rapper to promote teen drug usage and prescription drug abuse.
“It’s no secret in my eyes that they’re using this guy to establish a flock of Ritalin-dependent children,” Lance Walker, ADD representative said. “They’re no better than Ricky Ross or Tony Montana.”
“I hate DMX now,” said Steven Jones, president of Americans who Definitely Hate Drugs. “He used to just rap about killing people and being in the hood; now he’s selling dope to our children.”
Although the outrage has been high, Ritalin, Inc. and Simmons stand by the belief that their partnership is good for both children and their business.
“This is a matter of safety, and I’ve made it my mission to keep kids out of jail while maximizing the profits of such a great product,” Simmons says, while noticeably sniffling.
One of the rapper’s first moves to better market Ritalin is to make it available over the counter and in easy-to-understand dosages. He’ll change the name of the lightest dosage to “Souljah Boy” and direct the company to advertise it in middle schools. Simmons will direct the intermediate concentration, “Whitney Houston,” to the high school population and leave the strongest dose, “Rick James,” for the adults.
Also, Simmons has determined that ingesting the product orally is detrimental to the liver function of users. He is lobbying to make Ritalin solely available in powder form.
“X is for the kids,” Simmons said, while growling. “You have to understand, we’re in a fierce competition with the criminals out there. They’re trying to sell cocaine to our kids, and the only way we can steer the little ones on the right path is by speaking in their language. You know, powder. Also, we have to hit them young so they understand that they can use our product for life and will never have to worry about sitting in a cold cell for it.”
Courier is excited about the aggressive shift in the ethics of his company.
“We could see record profits and more importantly, parents will feel safe knowing we’re taking care of their kids instead of some shady man on the corner,” he said.
DMX’s new hit single, “X Gon’ Sniff It To Ya’” is expected to release next Tuesday.