Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
After a barrage of extremely opinionated editorials and opinion pieces, the Oregon Daily Emerald has been accused of taking sides on important issues. Members of the Desk for Unbiased Media Beliefs held a press conference in the EMU Fir Room on Monday to discuss the opinion page.
“We feel like the members of the editorial board are overtly looking to influence the student population to take a stance on University policy,” said DUMB President Randolph Pyle. “Students should be presented opinions that don’t play favorites.”
DUMB, a student group that has been around as long as the University has, referred to columnists Bruce Poinsette and Mark Costigan as examples of journalists who present biased perspectives.
“Bruce Poinsette spends all of his time in his columns challenging whites to understand white privilege, but he never tells blacks to understand black privilege,” said University freshman William Smith. “I can’t dance, run or rap … you tell me who has all the privilege here!”
Bruce Poinsette wished not to comment, silently nodding his head in disapproval.
DUMB is suing for $117,000 for “pain and suffering” and “defamation of public character.” The funds are said to recover the losses that the Oregon Student Public Interest Research Group lost because of the ODE opinion desk persuading people to dislike the group. Many students are growing suspicious of the fact that many of the DUMB students are also OSPIRG members.
“I’m beginning to feel like OSPIRG is DUMB,” said University senior James Michaels. “OSPIRG depends on what DUMB students do, and it even goes to young, DUMB students to collect signatures and petitions.”
“We are not DUMB,” said OSIPRG Board Chair Charles Denson. “We’re OSPIRG. Though they seem to be similar, we have some key differences.”
“What’s wrong with a biased opinion?” said ODE Editor in Chief Nora Simon. “I thought the opinion desk was created to stimulate public debate and to influence the public to consider the perspectives of our writers and our editorial board.”
Two Facebook protest groups, titled “Daily Emerald Can Kiss My Emerald Green Ass” and “1,000,000 People Against Biased Opinions” have formed online and plan to spend the next week demonstrating with picket signs and torches on the third floor staircase of the Emerald Ivory Tower.
ODE reporters and professional staff are frustrated with the forecast of crowded staircases and loud protesters during their 5 p.m. nap time. What’s more, they believe the right to express their opinions in the opinion page is important to their ability to impact the student body.
“DUMB students are telling us not to be biased in our opinions, but their opinions of our opinions as being biased showcases a bias,” said Copy Chief Kenny Ocker amidst a barrage of really bad puns.
Though tensions are high, members of DUMB continue to pursue payment.
“We believe in unbiased perspectives and opinions that aren’t persuasive,” new DUMB member Frank Smith said. “Nowadays, it seems like only DUMB students uphold these values.”
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Shallot: Emerald opinion desk deemed too opinionated
Daily Emerald
February 21, 2011
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