Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
Hello and welcome to week number TWO of Ruffled Feathers. I’m Nina KaPow, and I hope that everyone has been enjoying the unusually warm weather in the Eugene area lately. Hopefully people are enjoying the… interesting… view of people wearing less clothing to stay cool. I mean, sundresses make sense. Going shirtless makes sense. But wearing a bandana or a heavy scarf over a breezy dress or a shirtless chest? It makes no sense. Just think about that while you read my non-doctor, non-counselor, all sex-columnist-written advice.
I have a habit of developing huge crushes on celebrities. I visit fan sites and just drool. But I’m 23 years old. Why is this still happening to me? —Team Fame
The real question you should be asking yourself, Fame, is what do these crushes do for you? Are they a form of escapism from your real-life romantic life? If so, then maybe that needs to be discussed with someone more professional. Is fantasizing about this person helping you to get through a hard time? Maybe that’s not a bad thing (as long as you know your actual chances of marrying someone with a couple million in the bank).
In general though, crushes on celebrities are more of a reflection on the crusher than the crushee. Allison Pearson, the author of the ultimate fangirl book I Think I Love You, once said in an interview that a celebrity crush is really a love story you write for yourself. So handle with care, and explore your motives. But know that indulging yourself with a pretty face isn’t always hazardous to your health.
I’m a straight guy. Never had sex with a guy, never wanted to. But I watched gay porn once, and I don’t know why, but it totally gave me a boner. I was freaked out. How could that have happened??? —Sexed By Videotape
Experimenting with different kinds of porn does not say anything about you except that you like porn. Calm down, Videotape. (Wow, I’m saying that a lot this week.) You identify as straight, right? So just be secure in your adorable identity as a straight dude who gets off on gay porn! These two aspects of you are not mutually exclusive.
As for why you find yourself saluting the general while watching two guys go at it, there are myriad possibilities. Maybe you haven’t been around many gay men, and so the sheer image/mechanics of that kind of relationship are fascinating to you (in a totally innocent, non-discriminatory manner). We also live in a society where a lot of men don’t feel comfortable actively showing affection toward other men. So it could be a possibility, Videotape, that you’re in need of genuine bro love.
Just savor this new aspect of your sexuality. It will make you more confident in yourself, no matter what your orientation. And you may even get some ideas from the gentlemen you’re watching.
My girlfriend is a total screamer. Like to the point where my neighbors have repeatedly banged on my wall when she’s feeling pleasure while we’re having sex. Should I tell her to be quiet, even though it gets us both off? —Lover of a Loud Lesbian
Firstly, please refer back to what I told Water Boy in R-F #1: The people you live with/around have a very important voice in your behavior, for the simple fact that you can’t escape them. And if you’re living in a place where your behavior could influence your renting future, you need to talk to your girlfriend about the screaming. I’m all for satisfying lesbian sex, I think the world needs more of it, but if you can’t get an apartment in the future because of your current sex life, you will be cursing yourself forever.
I’m just going to come out and say it — I have a small penis! I’m so freaking self-conscious about it. I don’t even ask girls out sometimes because I’m afraid of how they’re going to react when they see me naked. I work out, eat good— but I have a small penis. Is this as big a deal as I think? —Not Exactly Captain Jack
Okay, first of all, having a small ANYTHING is not always a cause for concern. I tell you this from the bottom of my heart: calm down. This isn’t the end of the world. Or your sex life.
This question really touches me, because I don’t like how much pressure men face to be large. It’s 100% a matter of taste. I know women who absolutely crave length, and others who are professed Girth Girls. I guarantee you, there IS a lady out there who would LOVE to see you naked. That’s not a pity pledge, it’s a guarantee. Come on, Ken Jeong (the actor in The Hangover who seems to have made it his mission to make Asian men okay with their naked selves) is married with two kids. Clearly, the size of the equipment is not nearly as important as how confident you feel handling it.
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: According to Telegraph, a library in Islington, North London has added a lot more “optional” questions on its library card applications, including those regarding HIV status and whether or not you’re transgender. In the borough Haringey, applicants are explicitly asked, “Does your gender differ from your birth sex?” The library claims that this is to fight discrimination, and to better serve the needs of the customers. Still, it feels a bit… prying, don’t you think?
Missed last week’s Ruffled Feathers? Check it out here! Have any of your own questions? Send Nina an email at [email protected]!