Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Students on the University of Oregon campus are still talking about the grand opening of the Matthew Knight Arena on Jan. 13. More than 12,000 students, community members and donors all crammed into the Ducks’ new arena.
Though it was miraculous that the team actually managed to win, fans after the game were more focused on the opening ceremony and all its marvels. Some students are comparing it to the opening ceremony of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.
“It was the coolest thing ever,” University sophomore Jennifer Bradley said.
Scientists are still wondering how Phil Knight and his event planners pulled off some of the opening stunts.
Students reported actual unicorns flying overhead, and Veela (the mythical siren of the Harry Potter world) dancing on the court while fireworks were going off. There was dollar bill-shaped confetti falling from the ceiling and champagne spraying from every armrest. Witnesses reported seeing a few leprechauns dancing between the stands, but the Emerald was unable to confirm these reports.
“The best part was when Chuck Norris busted through a window like a SWAT guy,” University junior Michael Williams said.
Perhaps the most science-defying part of the night was when the court floor opened up and Michael Jackson and Elvis emerged on a stage, poised to perform. They announced that they were only back for “one night and one night only, for this very special occasion.” Both Jackson and Elvis were unavailable for comment.
Bombarded with questions on how he managed to get mythical beings to appear and the formerly deceased to rise again, Phil Knight just grinned.
“With enough money, you can do anything,” he said to the flabbergasted crowd.
And money is no issue for the athletic department — 30 new legacy donors have each donated $1 million to ensure they have decent parking for all men’s basketball home games this season.
“I could’ve given this money to something actually meaningful, like a starving kid in Africa, or a scholarship foundation for struggling students,” said Gregory Kibbles, the newest legacy donor. “But I love my Ducks.”
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