The essay has never really been a popular literary form in America, often being relegated to the fringes of academia or to long-lost musty anthologies. But I predict a renaissance, a vast uprising of angry scribblers with bold, revolutionary opinions that can be summed up in bold, revolutionary thesis statements. I myself have come out with a few such works. You might all be interested in my collection, “Essays for High Minded Perusal,” which contains a few, if I don’t say so myself, modest literary classics. You could browse through my “A Discussion of the Theory of Diminishing Cultural Returns: An in-depth Analysis of Why Paris Hilton is a Dirty Little Slut,” or my revolutionary “A Detailed History of Everything, 1953 to 1954.”
But enough tooting my own horn. Let me introduce you to the world of the essay, where opinions are jagged and grammar is jaggederer. You could read David Smith’s classic “A Theory of Comedic Polemics, or Why Dennis Miller is No Longer Funny,” to start. Or maybe take a gander at Aaron Smith’s “The Roots of 20th Century Postmodernism, As Told Through the Perspective of an Automatic Hand Dryer at the Gateway Mall Men’s Restroom.”
For those interested in literary subjects, I politely recommend Gerald Smith’s “Classics of Canadian Naturalism,” if you’re into the pervo stuff. There are also such titles available as “An Essay About an Essay About Modern Metafiction,” as well as “Why We Don’t Read So Good No More.”
There is also a wide range of
cinematic essays, such as Pauline Kael Smith’s “The Subversive Nature of Terror: The Film Career of The Rock,” or Jude Ebert’s “Symbolism in Propaganda, Plus 10 Other ‘Triumph of the Will’ Drinking Games.”
Cultural criticism is a popular essay topic, with titles ranging from “Why P. Diddy is a Really Stupid Name” to “Why You, Personally, Are a Rotten Little Son of a Bitch.” There is also Calvin Smith’s “Do Pants Matter?” and Woodward Holms’ “Funny Names: They Are Not Funny.”
Political essays are also fun to peruse. My personal favorite is the 1786 classic anonymous treatise “I Predict America Will One Day Be a Whiny, Insufferable Country Full of Fat, Overbearing, Ignorant Bastards.” For those looking for something in a more nationalist vein, I would recommend the more current piece, recently
published in a bathroom stall at the University Bookstore, entitled “Canada is for Pussies.”
Personally, I’ve always had a fondness for essays with a philosophical bent. Eugene Sanders’ “Nietzsche Screwed Up Everything” has always had a special place in my heart, as does the group effort “We Are Not Amused By Neo-Kantian Ethics.”
So you see, there is a whole world out there of unexplored ideas just waiting for you to, well, explore them. So whatever your cup of tea is, you can probably find someone with an opinion about it. I promise I’ll return to a normal column topic once the medication wears off. Now stop reading my column and go do something productive.

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