He’s just not that into you.
It’s a phrase that’s taking single American women by storm, thanks to a recent book of the same name. Crafted by “Sex and the City” alums Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, the book contains a message of utmost simplicity: Sometimes, ladies, he’s just not that into you. If he hasn’t called you, isn’t following up on plans, isn’t being intimate, cheats on you, doesn’t want to get serious, has disappeared … he’s just not that into you. The book’s merits with respect to women, and feminism in particular, are huge.
When you hear the book’s title, the concept seems obvious. Reading the book is the same; each chapter elicits a resounding “duh.” Often, when learning a new idea, it’s easy to look it over, see how clear everything is, and assume you already knew it. But the synthesis of ideas the book offers is truly novel to popular culture and should be lauded for that. It’s perfectly apparent to women that we “shouldn’t settle,” and yet culture never gives us a break from the dating game. All men represent chances for relationships, and relationships are, for many women, life’s ultimate goal. Not that there’s anything wrong with having the goal of a heterosexual romantic coupling, but it is sad that women are not allowed to look beyond this reality and explore what life path will make them happiest.
The book’s true epiphany comes in realizing that women already know these things and yet never put them into practice. It’s obvious that if a guy doesn’t call, he’s just not that into you. If he doesn’t care about your friends or family, he’s just not that into you. If he only wants to see you when he’s drunk and in his underwear, he’s just not that into you.
Sadly, as a woman, it is usually too hard to accept that a man doesn’t like us. Really. In a society in which the worth of a woman is based on her romantic standings with men, not fulfilling that cultural dream of being the object of male desire hurts.
“He’s Just Not That Into You” socks a hard punch. After each example of a situation in which the guy is just not that into you (and trust me, if you are a heterosexual woman, you will find many to be familiar), author Greg straight up explains the reality of a man’s disinterest. As a woman, this experience is surprisingly hard to come by. When a guy doesn’t call, we tell ourselves and our girlfriends every excuse in the book (he has a lot of work right now, he lost his phone, he broke his dialing finger in a freak breakdancing accident) but never the one that is probably the truth: He doesn’t like you. He’s not attracted to you. He’s just not that into you.
We think it will be too hard to hear.
Too hard? To hear that some guy you think is hot and datable doesn’t feel the same way? So What! You don’t like everyone, even in terms of friendship, and not everyone is going to like you. “He’s just not that into you” is a great phrase because it doesn’t sugarcoat it. This phrase, this book, this concept, assumes from the beginning that as a woman, you can easily deal with the fact that a man doesn’t desire you. The concept of “he’s just not that into you” assumes that women already know that their self-worth is not determined by how many guys want to pork them.
When was the last time a piece of pop culture sprung up with an underlying assumption like that?
Certainly not in television, in which women spend episode upon episode consoling one another over the failure of potential relationships (kind of like my kitchen table, come to think of it). The underlying assumption in these situations is that losing a man is a sign that you, as a woman, are not good enough without him. Why else do you need all your peers to console you, and why else do you make up excuses when some random guy who asked for your number at a gas station doesn’t call? It would be wonderful if conversations that begin, “Well, I thought he was into dating me, but we never hang out and he hasn’t called,” could just end with, “Well, I guess he
doesn’t really like you. Hey, what do you want to make for dinner?”
Someday women can stop being afraid of offending each other because the real offense is to insinuate that something is wrong with a woman because a man doesn’t like her — that she needs comfort because gas station boy is just not that into her. If he likes her, he will call. If not, that’s cool too. It is so simple. So why then has this epiphany taken this long? Social revolutions always do. Other feminists may laugh at my manifesto, which is pink and green with a phone on the cover, but I will sit tight and look forward to a future devoid of sub-par relationships and women wasting their time, energy, and mental power worrying and consoling when a man is just not that into them.

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