Everybody loves movies, right? So should we be excited about the upcoming new releases the ever-benevolent lords of Hollywood have prepared for us this fall. Let’s take a looksee and find out.
Sept. 23 brings us “The Corpse Bride,” in which Johnny Depp attempts to top himself on the crazy meter by marrying a dead chick. Also slated for release is “Roll Bounce,” a heady slice of 1970s nostalgia staring Bow Wow, everyone’s favorite darling of the rap world. As the rather vague title indicates, it has something to do with roller-skates or some such crap.
On Sept. 30 we’ll all be treated to a film about the egalitarian history of America’s favorite game, golf, brought to us by that bastion of diversity, the Disney Corporation. Directed by Bill Paxton, “The Greatest Game Ever Played” deals with the 1913 U.S. Open, when young upstart Francis Ouimet challenged champion Harry Vardon. Will the young underdog bring down the old pro? We breathlessly wait for the answer. Also coming out that day is a film that is giving geeky fanboys everywhere sweaty palms, “Serenity,” which brings the short-lived “Firefly” series to the big screen. There is also some movie staring Jessica Alba in a bathing suit. I can’t remember what the title is, since I’ve been a little too…distracted. Yeah. Distracted.
October starts off with a couple of romantic comedies and a movie about a vampire rabbit, which brings us to Oct. 14 and Cameron Crowe’s latest adaptation of his own life, “Elizabethtown.” Kudos to Crowe for keeping Ashton Kutcher away and telling him to take acting lessons, if the story is true. But smacks for turning it around and giving the role to professional block of wood Orlando Bloom, who seems unable to emote in any scene not involving medieval combat. Also on the 14th is a remake of Jon Carpenter’s “The Fog” directed by Rupert Wainwright and staring a cast of young faces taken almost entirely from popular teen television shows. They are also aiming for a PG-13 rating. You know I’ll be at the opening of this. If you want to spot me, I’ll be the guy in the bell tower across the street.
Oct. 21 finally brings the popular “Doom” video game series to the big screen, which is good news for people who were hoping that some mindless, plotless violence would have a place in theaters this fall. Also opening is some feel-good crap about a kid and a horse, as if we didn’t have enough of those.
Oct. 28 brings the long-awaited sequel to “The Mask of Zorro” to the screen long after everyone has stopped caring. Also opening is another sad attempt by Nicholas Cage to be taken seriously as an actor (sorry buddy, you did “Con Air” and “National Treasure,” so you’re out of the running for good now), as well as “Saw II,” which promises to be a real hack job (HA HA HA HA! Kill me now.)
Nov. 4 opens with “Jarhead,” a gritty drama about the horror of war, as well as “Chicken Little,” a film about a talking bird.
The new “Harry Potter” film opens Nov. 18 and director Mike Newell promises to continue the dark streak set up in the last
installment. This from a man who has directed romantic comedies staring Julia Roberts AND Hugh Grant. There is also a new
adaptation of Jane Austen’s “Pride & Prejudice,” the fifth in the last decade (if you count “Bridget Jones’s Diary”). Apparently director Joe Wright seems to believe that he has something new to add to the story, such as sewer mutants or Donald Sutherland.
Finally, Nov. 23 brings us the long-awaited film adaptation of the Broadway hit musical “Rent.” The horror of AIDS and the emptiness of New York bohemian life has never been so toe-tappingly enjoyable.
Have fun at the movies folks. You know I will.

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