I must make a confession. I have lived with a dark secret for much too long. My closest friends have known about it for some time, but I still feel like I’m mostly in the closet about it, and if I’m ever going to be able to look at myself in the mirror again, I need to face my problem.
Here it is: I used to like Natalie Imbruglia.
There. I’ve said it. Remember “Torn?” Yeah, that Natalie Imbruglia, she of the pixie-like hairdo, prancing around in a dragon-emblazoned tank top in the music video for her one and only hit single.
Before today, I hadn’t thought about Ms. Imbruglia in quite some time. Here at the Emerald, we receive tons of free copies of albums from record companies in the hopes that we’ll write positive reviews about them. This morning, I strolled into the office wondering what to write about, when I saw that RCA had sent us a copy of Natalie’s newest album, “White Lilies Island.”
And it all came flooding back.
How I’ve fought to keep this inner demon under control. Way back when, during my senior year of high school, I remember hearing “Torn” for the first time. I saw the video on VH1 (watching VH1 could be the topic for a whole different confessional) and instantly fell in love with the Australian beauty.
Being smitten with a cute pop singer is fine, I suppose — I mean, approximately 80 percent of American males have a thing for Britney Spears, and that seems to be socially acceptable, more or less.
My problem was, I actually liked “Torn.” A lot. This is where I crossed the line that divides the realms of sanity and delusion. After all, how many people actually like Spears’ music? I know a lot of guys that would have no problem frolicking around on a secluded beach with Britney, but damned if they’d be caught dead listening to “Baby One More Time” or “I’m a Slave 4 U.”
I became a “Torn” junkie. I’d watch MTV and VH1 constantly in hopes of seeing the wondrous video (although I would grow fiercely jealous during the part where she kissed that lame dude with the blonde hair). When I drove, I’d change the radio station from classic rock to the top 40 station, yearning to hear those opening rings of acoustic guitar.
All of this, of course, was kept top secret.
During this period of my life, I was working at a record store in Bend (that’s where I’m from), and I was able to buy compact discs at an extremely reduced cost. Ordinarily, it’s against every moral fiber that I have to buy an album for one song. But I was hooked. And during a moment of extreme weakness, I bought Imbruglia’s debut album, “Left of the Middle.”
Anyone who has heard “Left of the Middle” knows that, “Torn” aside, the album sucks. It’s a bunch of whiny, overproduced songs that showcase a singer who is desperately searching to find a style or any shred of sincerity.
But none of that mattered to me. I had my fix. No longer did I have to scan the airwaves to hear my favorite song. Gone were the days of going to mtv.com and playing the video in a pop-up window that was four inches in diameter. Natalie was mine, all mine, and “Torn” quickly became the most commonly played song on my stereo.
One would think that this obsession ended with high school, but I am ashamed to say that it didn’t. I carried it with me as a lowly dorm rat during my freshman year here. My best friend from high school was my roommate, and he knew about my “problem.” But this didn’t prepare him for living with a guy who needed to hear “Torn” more often than he went to the bathroom.
Poor Max. That’s all I have to say about my roommate.
Gradually, my obsession subsided. Maybe this had to do with the fact that I was growing up, or that I was starting to actually date real-life girls who didn’t smile at me from a television screen.
Whatever the case, I’ve been clean and sober for about three years now. Until today. “White Lilies Island” is in my CD player right now. And yes, it sucks. But I know that “Left of the Middle” is waiting for me at home, and I really like the first song on it.
Oh, Lord. What am I going to tell my parents?