Oregon fans, meet Hairy.
Hairy, say hello to the Oregon fans.

Hairy will be with you for the rest of the season, Oregon fans. See, the Ducks’ schedule is just plain hairy from here on out. Ugly. Brutal. Above all, hard.
Hairy is traveling with you to Pullman, Wash., on Nov. 9. Hairy is knowing that Washington State will have a patsy game at Arizona on Oct. 26, then a home game against Arizona State on Nov. 2 before the Ducks and Hairy play on the frozen tundra of Martin Stadium.
Not that those Sun Devils aren’t hairy themselves. Those Sun Devils put up 10,000 points against Stanford and won a defensive battle with Oregon State with only one touchdown. Those Sun Devils have been known to give the Ducks devilish fits (see: 56-55 Oregon, double overtime, in Tempe two years ago). So that’s why Hairy’s coming to town this week (he was at the Rose Bowl last week). He’s moving in, unpacking his bags.
Of course, Hairy will have to stick around next week, when USC comes to town. USC will be coming off a tough game against Washington, but the Trojan defense is perhaps the most fearsome on all the West Coast.
Oregon product Troy Polamalu is the best player from the state of Oregon anywhere (yes, that does include Kellen Clemens), and he’s given the men of Troy some real attitude. Hairy loves attitude.
Hairy will be around for the Stanford game, because Hairy never knows when the Cardinal might be a real pain in the behind. Like last year, when Hairy paid a big-time pain-in-the-behind visit to Autzen Stadium in the fourth quarter.
After the WSU game, Hairy will stay in Oregon for Double Rivalry Weeks, when Washington comes to Autzen and the Ducks travel to Corvallis on consecutive Saturdays. Hairy loves back-to-back games against top Pac-10 competition, especially when one of them is the Civil War.
With Hairy moving in last week, he booted Fortunate out of the Oregon house. Where Hairy is an ugly, brutish little man, Lady Fortunate is a tall, cool blonde. Was. Fortunate’s up in Pullman right now, unpacking her bags.
Fortunate was a season-opener against Mississippi State, a ‘test’ against Fresno State that really couldn’t have worked out any better and two games against patsy competition that may have been Hairy games against better teams because of Onterrio Smith’s dings and Jason Fife’s mile-high passes.
Fortunate was opening the Pac-10 season in Arizona, a step up in competition but not the cream of the conference coffee cup by any means. Then Fortunate stuck around, shook hands with Hairy at the Rose Bowl and sent Chris Griffith’s 46-yard boot wide to the left.
But Fortunate isn’t with the Ducks any more, unless she comes back to visit every now and then. Fortunate’s up in Pullman. Fortunate is kicking her feet up on a bye week, preparing for the Cougars’ patsy game against Arizona.
Fortunate will get to kick her feet up again after playing Oregon, because WSU will have another bye week before the Apple Cup against Washington on Nov. 23. Then Fortunate will get yet another bye week to prepare for UCLA on Dec. 7. See, in the offseason, Fortunate did a little digit-dialing to get ABC to move that game. Fortunate knows how to work the system.
The lady might be spending a little time in Berkeley this season, too. Because Fortunate scheduled Cal for a bye week Nov. 2, then consecutive games against Arizona State, Arizona and Stanford to close the season. All but Arizona State are patsies.
For you, Duck fans, you can only hope that Hairy and Fortunate settle into a long, meaningful relationship and have a kid and such. Maybe they could name it Lucky.