I have a low opinion of MTV. I don’t like Carson and his horde of 12-year-old minions. I don’t like Christina Aguilera’s new dirty video. And after “The Real World San Francisco,” I stopped caring about all the reality TV crap.
Until Sunday.
For some reason that I can only surmise to be the guiding Hand of Fate, I paused in my channel flipping on MTV to catch a glimpse of the reality wrestling show, “WWE Tough Enough 3.” To reiterate: I have no idea why. The show combines the living-together aspect of “The Real World” with the pain aspect of boot camp with a hint of the “Road Rules” challenges. I don’t like any of those things on their own, and I hate the combination.
And yet… I think I know that girl.
Having spent most of the day playing video games, I have a shaky relationship with reality at this point. She could just looks like someone I know. Still, I am now on the edge of my couch clutching the remote control as if my grip will somehow make the camera move back in the direction of the sighting. Ten agonizing minutes must have gone by before — ohmigod.
It’s Jamie.
There, on MTV, in traditional confession-booth style is Jamie Burk, a girl I have hung out with. She went to high school with my crazy roommate from freshman year. She was at my 19th birthday party. We saw “Magnolia” together, and she laughed like a donkey when the frogs started falling. I know her!
My vocabulary now consists solely of profanities. I’m even making up new curses on the fly.
The remaining 10 minutes are very tense because this is the casting special, and Jamie is only a finalist. Jamie will make it. She is totally tough enough. Look at those wussy girls. Jamie can break them in half. She’s on the track team! At least I think she’s on the track team. She used to be on the track team. That’s for sure.
The cast is standing on some desolate southern California hillside, and the big, mean wrestling coach is reading the cast list. And she’s in! I know someone on a reality TV show! This is sooo cool. I am now the biggest fan of this show. Well, Jamie’s mom probably has me beat. Second biggest.
Oregon has had it’s share of representation on MTV’s reality programs. There were people from Portland on Real World seasons four and 10, and each time it was pretty cool. But this is huge. This isn’t just someone who I could have seen in a Starbucks, this is a friend.
Can I call her a friend? We haven’t talked in more than a year. It might seem like I’m trying to ride the gravy train. I don’t want to ride, just wave and run after it as it leaves the tracks. Where’s the harm?
All these thoughts are coming so fast, and I have no outlet. It’s times like these that living alone really blows. I call a friend who also knows Jamie to vent: “Sam? I just saw Jamie on MTV! No kidding. That wrestling show. It’s so friggin’ cool. I mean, you know, like, yeah! Well, that’s it. Bye.”
That’s a little better. But there are still so many questions. Does Jamie still go to school here? She could be a famous wrestler now. What would her name be? She liked ska music. She would be “Riot Girl!” Yeah. And her theme song would be “Super Rad” by The Aquabats. I can’t believe I have never watched this show.
Having a tangible link to a cast member makes this previously inaccessible reality show hit home. It’s really real now. I am invested. Hell, the whole University is invested. You could know this girl. Screw Joey, we’ve got Jamie!
With wrestling’s appeal to both jocks and geeks, this is a marketing gold mine. Reserve another 100-foot billboard in New York City. Build a wrestling ring at the Len Casanova Center. Hold a seminar with mandatory viewing of the show!
The casting special will re-air tonight at 9, followed by Episode 1 at 10 p.m.
Jamie, if you’re reading this, congrats. Even though the events I will watch on television in the following weeks have already happened, go kick some ass!
Contact the columnist at [email protected]. His opinions do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.