Football is just like golf.
Sure it is. Think about it. Actually it’s not, really. Not at all.
But I’ve written so much about football recently that I just want to write about something else.
So, golf it is. I guess there are some similarities. Both sports involve lots of betting, except one is while you’re playing and the other is while you’re watching. Both require the use of arms.
OK, they really aren’t similar. Maybe they should be similar. In the glorious tradition of Slamball — which combines the sports of basketball and trampoline — and Baseketball, the subject of an epic motion picture, I think I’ll start a new crossover sport.

Can you imagine football with water hazards? It would make play-by-play man Jerry Allen’s job a whole lot more fun.
“There goes Onterrio off tackle on the right side and… oh! He hit that pond on the four yard-line in mid-stride! That… had… to… hurt. He’ll have to take a drop on that one.”
Of course, we’ve all dreamt of full-contact golf. This is where Jim Nantz and his “golf voice” comes into play.
“Tiger steps up to his putt, a little downhill slider, four feet from the cup. This, for the Masters and the green jacket. The gallery is silent.
“But, hold on, wait, here come Phil Mickleson and he drills Tiger from behind! Oh, that was a rough hit! Phil finally took out his years of frustration and losing to Tiger and just blindsided him!”
Football doesn’t need an image change, I know. But there are so many possibilities. Imagine football mulligans?
“Oh, that was a bad throw by Fife. He’d like to have that one back, he just missed Howry by a full 10 feet. But wait, he’s signaling to the ref, I think he’s going to… yes! He’s going to use his first-half mulligan on that one! Repeat third down!”
Football bunkers?
“Fife drops back… oh! Right into the bunker! He’ll have to scramble… here comes an Idaho defender… and Fife kicks sand in his eye! That should buy him some time.”
Football handicaps?
“And here we are at Autzen Stadium on this beautiful Saturday! Idaho comes into this game ranked last in the NCAA, and the national officials have decided to spot the Vandals 21 points in this contest. So the Ducks will have a little hole to dig out of at the start of this game.”
Of course, golf has always tried to market itself to a younger audience. May I suggest a little football merging? Starting with the cheerleaders?
“Two-four-six-eight, who do we appreciate? Rich Beem! Rich Beem! Gooooooo Beemer!”
Can you imagine golf coaches?
“And Sergio looks to John Smith in the gallery for the play. Smith radios up to his offensive coordinator… holds up his fingers… it’s four! Garcia is going with the four-iron.”
A golf gridiron?
“Vijay steps up to the tee and surveys the scene. He hits his drive… oh, that’s well struck. His drive is right on the 40-yard line there. He’ll move it to the right hash mark and try to get it in the endzone with his nine-iron.”
So smack me with an “I’d rather be golfing” sticker and call me silly, because I’m about to march down and patent my two new games before you can. I know you wanted to, I’m sorry. Maybe some day you can come up with a cool crossover game of your own.
But just letting you know, I
already patented gymna-hoops, tennis on ice and volley-soccer.
Wow, I’m a sports nerd.
Note: this column is secretly
in honor of the Buy.com Oregon Classic, going on now at the
Shadow Hills Country Club. Go Casey Martin.