I thought that reality television was dead — increasingly unoriginal and uninspired, but the spirit of the genre has been reincarnated on a different channel. The greatest reality show ever isn’t on FOX or MTV, but on the
Discovery Channel.
The intellectual networks have a permanent place in my surfing regimen, albeit a low one. When there’s nothing good on the “T” stations (TNT, TBS and TNN), I’m Discovery bound.
The machine shows are giving the smart channels more priority. Shows such as “Junkyard Wars” and “Monster Garage” cater to the grease-head inside all of us. But these competition shows lack the dramatic panache that hooks repeat viewers.
To this end, Discovery found the Teutul family which owns and operates Orange County Choppers (in New York, not California) and created “American Chopper” to fill my vacant 10 p.m. Monday time slot. The show evolved from a September 2002 special with the perfect mix of bicker and biker. They would have been fools to stop the magic.
Paul Teutul Sr. runs the shop like a heated football coach trying to overcome the roar of the crowd. He barks — a term more fitting to his manner of speech than any other man — constantly at his son, Paul Jr., and the other staff. His temper flares on a weekly, if not daily, basis. And when this man is angry, you are afraid. His barrel chest is the kind on which you imagine piling 15 men before yo-ho-ho-ing down a bottle of rum. And the frighteningly large handlebar mustache he sports says, “I could kick your ass by looking at you.”
Paul Jr., called Paulie for sanity’s sake, withstands his father’s tantrums with inspiring patience. The funny thing is that Paulie is the creative visionary behind OCC’s outstanding bikes. He is constantly at work, while his father’s title should be “Head Ass-Kicker in Charge of Barking.”
A big draw to the show is waiting for Paulie to snap. But on Monday’s show, the two eased tensions with a touchy-feely talk that had both behemoths sniffling to hold back tears. Everybody cries on the stupid Real World, but when mechanics turn on the waterworks, that’s good television!
This was a cathartic moment, but tensions are usually eased with recreational activities such as lighting the lawn on fire with gasoline. One day, Paul Sr. is furious about late parts holding up work. Paulie casually suggests going bowling and Paul Sr. immediately demands everybody stop their work to go knock some pins — taking it every bit as seriously as making a bike. I swear he’s bipolar.
Of course, the Teutul roller coaster would be meaningless if they weren’t producing outstanding motorcycles against all odds. I’m afraid of motorcycles as a rule — I fall off normal bikes enough to be scared — but these machines make me want to saddle up. They are sculptures on wheels with glimmering chrome parts that seethe power. Even their basic models are beautiful, but the show focuses on masterpiece custom jobs requiring consummate creativity and skill in short amounts of time.
It’s Tim Allen meets “Days of Our Lives”; “Full House” plus Firestone; therapy with tools — it’s friggin’ awesome. The only thing that could make it better is if Paulie and his dad fell in love with a rich widow (who is secretly a long-lost relative) when she comes in to request a bike. Next time on “American Chopper”! Dun dun DUN!!!