In about 220 short years, America became the first country to perfect civil society. Today marks a new era. Now, behind an entirely benevolent and altruistic leader, our country has hearkened to a higher mandate. We are going to impose “freedom” on any dunderheads who don’t realize democracy is better than anything they’ve figured out in all the millennia they’ve been around.
I see big things in the future for Iraq. As soon as coalition forces liberate the country’s people, we could really win them over with our rich and enlightened cultural heritage. Newly liberated Iraqi women will be aching to use their newfangled freedom to dress like hookers. We will deploy a crack team of cultural ambassadors — maybe Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Russell Crowe — to hand out Glamour magazines, Wonderbras, Old Navy Ultra Low-Rise Boot-Cut Jeans and pink thongs at MTV summer vacation in Umm Qasr. Sure, in America this type of culture causes 80 percent of women to be dissatisfied with their body images, but don’t worry, only 4 to 13 percent will really suffer from serious eating disorders.
For the Iraqi boys, it’s a steady diet of teenage angst and effrontery. Some of them will love the poetry and artistry of Insane Clown Posse, Mudvayne or Linkin Park. For the rest, it’s hardcore rap. The United States may be one of the industrialized world’s leaders in murder, suicide, rape, drug consumption and robbery, but it can’t be a result of our culture. It’s because we are so free.
Next will come the movie industry. Universal Studios will open an “Operation Iraqi Freedom” theme park with simulated Apache Helicopter air raids on Baghdad and tours of the locations where they shot recent hit movies glorifying the war. Not to be outdone, Disney will open Disney World Basra, an Aladdin-themed park intended to brighten the faces of sad Iraqi children — and plant consumerist notions of freedom in the budding young imaginations of a new demographic.
To further ease their suffering, we’ll export our ridiculous pop culture, sports idolatry and video game worship to keep their minds off pressing issues like the environment, politics or art. America is the world’s leading polluter. Its political system is suffocated by corruption, and its communities are losing touch with one another. But we don’t care. Why should Iraq?
A democracy modeled after the United States would naturally support a free press owned by large corporations — so long as it doesn’t report news that portrays its country, politicians or big business negatively.
And how could you represent our political culture as anything but fair? Under the iron fist of Saddam Hussein, Iraqi people had one choice on their presidential ballot. In America, we had several choices that didn’t matter. If you’re going to have a completely symbolic vote, it’s good to have a few choices. That’s freedom.
Speaking of choices, I’m sure the members of this new democracy will love all of the great ones on the $1 value menus soon to light Iraqi nights. Our busy new friends will need plenty of fast meals. Snacking and poorly prepared meals will quickly increase the country’s obesity levels. Before they know it, more than half of Iraq’s population will be overweight and more than 20 percent will be considered obese, just like us well-fed Americans.
Yes, America is the world’s moral and cultural leader. We should take it upon ourselves to impose our obviously superior political and cultural standards on the rest of the world. Because we know what’s best for everyone.
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His views do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.