I’m not sure if it’s the whole graduation thing, or the fact that my alarm woke me up during the deepest REM part of my Pokémon-related dream that’s responsible for the state I’m in today — this being Tuesday. Whatever the cause, it has brought out the kind of self-indulgent honesty I usually exude in my less sober moments.
I owe you readers an apology for my lack of music coverage. As it says under my byline, one-third of these columns should be devoted to music issues of some sort. This has not been the case.
They say you can love music and not be a musician. I suffer from the inverse problem of being a musician who is disenchanted with music. To clarify: When I say I play guitar, it is with more proficiency and dedication than Timmy Two-Chord who also claims to “play.” To a lesser extent, I play piano. But that’s not so important.
Given my musical knowledge, I get bored with the unadulterated pap that is commercial music. I would rather devote myself to exploring music that has been sorted by The Ages than attempt to siphon the few worthwhile musicians from today’s passing fads.
Hypocritically, I undertake this task with movies. But comparatively, film is more manageable, having existed for only 100 years — give or take. Music probably germinated shortly after the apes saw that monolith thing and started hitting each other with bones. I can’t wrap my head around that kind of timeline.
But you don’t need my excuses;, my whining. So I will comment on the Grammy Awards, because they are topical, and columns dealing with cultural events of the moment seem to garner more public acclaim — which is, I think, what I’m after.
I tried to watch the Grammys, but two realizations made me change the channel.
A. I am hopelessly out of touch with what The Kids are listening to. This Norah Jones girl who won five Grammys including record of the year — never heard of her. Of the artists I do know, I can’t think of one who deserved the awards. The Foo Fighters “All My Life” as Best Hard Rock Performance? They should have moved “on to the next one.” Ha ha … sigh. Man, even my sarcastic zingers aren’t curing my funk.
B. The Grammys are all about record sales. The award show was created by the Recording Academy, a.k.a. businessmen. The same is true about the Academy Awards, which explains how crap like “A Beautiful Mind” wins Best Picture (sorry, last year’s Blah-scars cut me deep). This year’s list of Grammy winners boasts bankable names such as Bruce Springsteen, Eminem, B.B. King and Sheryl Crow. Sure, they have their musical merits — well, maybe not the last one — their name on an album guarantees good sales.
Of course, I’m getting all of this from Internet lists. In the five minutes I watched the awards, John Mayer performed and subsequently won the Grammy for Best Male Performance for his song “Your Body is a Wonderland.” I’m not familiar with his music, but at least I know who he is.
And I don’t like him.
This opinion has no solid base, just small qualms. He talks like a normal person (and he’s very well spoken), but his singing voice is breathy and slurred like someone whose throat is clogged. What’s up with that? And those funny faces he makes? Please. To me, he’s picking up where Dave Matthews left off — and I got tired of Dave right after “Before These Crowded Streets.”
Mayer is a talented guitarist, and it’s nice to see some musicianship in the pop scene. But it’s watered down to be palatable. Keller Williams could take this kid with his eyes closed. But then, I wasn’t entirely happy with his most recent album, “Laugh.” When it comes to music, I know too much to be content. That comes across really conceited in writing.
Have you noticed I throw in these pot shots at the end of my columns? I’m sorry about that too. It’s dismissive. If you like John Mayer, that’s fine. I’m sure he’s a nice fellow. If you like award shows and hope “Chicago” wins best picture, good for you. My opinion isn’t any better than yours. I just happen to write (sometimes more successfully than others) for a newspaper.
Contact the Pulse columnist at [email protected]. His views do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald.