After more than two decades of observing and interacting with others, I have concluded that society is fundamentally flawed and in dire need of reform. Otherwise, humanity has no chance of surviving in the near future. We cannot sit by idly and watch as we become victims of our own success. As we hurtle headlong into the new century, it is time to solve the intractable problems that have bothered us for decades.
Our streets are overcrowded. Unemployment is rising and the economy is in the tank. The cost of medical insurance and social security is becoming prohibitively expensive. We are destroying our environment. Our natural resources are dwindling. Political dissent has reached levels unseen since the Vietnam War. Obesity, drugs, alcohol and tobacco are killing us by the millions and costing us billions. The world has gone to hell, and we can do nothing about it.
Or can we? I have stumbled upon an idea so profound, so revolutionary, that it can solve all the above-mentioned problems and return America to its glory days. I am surprised that nobody has thought of it before.
I propose, in the name of lifting America to new and unprecedented levels of peace, freedom, security and prosperity, that we begin a program of merciful euthanasia for the lesser members of society.
Now before you begin to whine about how unethical such a program might be, I urge you to look at the facts. Overpopulation, although it is not a problem by itself, brings together a whole host of issues, the burden of which is placed on the productive members of society.
Is it really fair to have a sizable amount of our hard-earned paycheck withdrawn to support a class of people who ceased to be contributing citizens long ago? What about the millions in jails and mental institutions? What have they done to thank you? How much happier would they be if, one day, they suddenly no longer existed?
My program would go like this: A committee of concerned citizens would identify what kinds of people are most distasteful to society. The federal government would then move these people to the nearest hospital or prison courtyard, and that would be the end of it. The infrastructure for this program is already in place, so it would be implemented at a minimal cost. The benefits, however, would be enormous.
Imagine a nation free of Parkinson’s disease, leprosy, osteoporosis, arthritis, scurvy and other undesirable elements. It sounds like a utopia. But why stop there? Currently, population control is limited to abortion, and even that doesn’t discriminate between who might turn out good and who might turn out bad. My program, which is much more narrowly targeted, only removes those who are identified as bad. Everyone else will benefit.
The program works because it would purge the nation from all kinds of ills that I haven’t even mentioned yet. Is our nation home to a certain unwanted ethnic group? What about an unpopular religion? We could easily rid ourselves of the Communists and the Greens. And once we implement this program, we could remove anybody who protests against it. I’m sure that Attorney General John Ashcroft will back me up on this one.