Today I write my first entry in this journal. Where shall I start?
Perhaps,
in the beginning…
I was born in November 1975 in New York, N.Y. In August 1976, my family
moved
to Orange County, Calif. I lived there until I went to college in the
Bay Area,
where after graduation, I taught school for three years. Even though I
was a
Californian for 24 years, and a New Yorker for less than one, the Big
Apple
held an exalted place in my imagination. What would I have been like if
we
had stayed, and I had grown up in Manhattan?
I visited New York three times in four years. Each time was exciting
and
the city
never failed to impress me with its big buildings, throbbing masses,
amazing
arts and lively street scenes. But the sense of space, the pace of
life,
the seasons, felt different to me. It didn’t feel like home. Now, I
realize
I belong to the West Coast. It was an idea I wanted to explore further.
At
the time, I knew that if I returned to school, it would be closer to
home.
So I decided to attend law school at the University of Oregon. It is
one of
the best choices I’ve made in my life. Berkeley was great, but it
wasn’t so
much a choice, as a certainty. Why, of course I was going to Berkeley.
Only
gradually did I make Berkeley my own. My decisions over the 18 months
were choices, rather than logical inevitabilities.
If you take the next logical step, you aren’t making a real choice. A
choice
that says YOU all over it. I wasn’t used to making choices of my own.
After
graduating, I continued to decide based on other people’s advice. Most
of it
was good, some of it was bad, and very little was my own.
What does it matter if you decide, or your friends decide, or your
family
decides, if the end result is generally good? It matters a lot. We are
born
as different from each other as our fingerprints, and what brings joy
and
fulfillment into our lives may be just as diverse. If there is someone
else
who shares our likes and sensibilities, how will we recognize qualities
in
that person if we are blind to our own? Will we be open to that person,
if
our circle is closed?
Besides, the idea that one should subsume his or her personality to
someone
else, means that someone else’s personality is making decisions for
you.
This is not individuality versus community values. I believe deeply in
community and democracy. This is you versus someone else, over who
controls
your life. One shepherd, many sheep. While I don’t believe in “every
man a
king,” I do think that every person is a potential shepherd, confident
and
having enough self-knowledge to lead and as well as be guided, and
enough
confidence in their friends to allow them to find their own paths.
What do you like to do? What are your favorite books, movies, music?
What
kind of job would suit you best? Where would you like to live? It’s
really
hard to compare, if you watch one kind of movie, listen to one kind of
music, lived in one place your entire life. To be one thing, is to be
next
to nothing.
Just choose, for choice’s sake. To decide something on your own, about
food
or music or shoes, without the “aid” of parents, friends, colleagues,
or
television, there’s virtue in that. There’s freedom in that. Freedom is
good, right?
I also have a vast curiosity about American history and American
culture.
You can’t talk about America in an informed manner, unless you’ve
really
been in different parts of the country. Even if you do live in the most
happening part. Otherwise, it’s the blind men and the elephant, and
you’re
just feeling the elephant’s ass (if you live in N.Y. — or is it
S.F.?).
I don’t intend to be in-your-face, at least not all the time. In fact,
I’m
uncertain as to whom I am addressing. People, I suppose, who know me in
various degrees. Unlike other journals, I will not focus on my daily
life,
which is mostly uneventful. My perspective will be more “big picture.”
What
do days look like over a season, like beads that form a necklace? At
the
same time, I will not neglect the details, for without them there would
be
no necklace, and without the pixels there would be no big picture.
This is my last semester of law school, and perhaps my last as a
student
ever. Yet, I don’t feel my life will change all that much when I become
an
attorney, or whatever I end up doing. Because life is for learning, and
I
will be a student of life, for life.
Philip Huang Blog #01
Daily Emerald
January 11, 2003
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