An open letter to Michael Jackson:
Dear Michael,
How’s it going? I’m writing this to let you know that I was planning on writing a review of your latest album, “Invincible,” for my school newspaper. However, after several listens to it, I figured that my time would be better spent by discussing how I feel about it with you.
First of all, congratulations on successfully getting yourself back into the limelight lately. You released a pretty good single, held two high-profile tribute concerts to yourself and organized a benefit for the victims of terrorism. Hell, you even jumped on stage and busted a move with ‘N Sync at the MTV awards. It seems like Michael Jackson is everywhere you look these days.
As a result, expectations have been high for “Invincible.” There’s been a lot of hype out there. As many people know, “Invincible” is your first album of new material in six years, and it reportedly cost $30 million to make. The buzz has been that “Invincible” is your best album since “Thriller,” that it would set new standards for modern dance music, that it would reclaim your crown as the “King of Pop.”
As nice as these accolades are, I’m afraid that you’ve come up a bit short with this one. Don’t get me wrong: I like the album. But it’s not the genre-melting comeback that you need right now.
Here’s why I think that “Invincible” will keep you in the perpetual career limbo that you’ve been in for the past years or so:
1. Way too many ballads. When people think “Michael Jackson,” they think “Billie Jean.” They think “Bad.” They think “Black or White.” They do not think “Lady In My Life,” “Heal the World,” or (gag) “Liberian Girl.” Now, I know that you had a big hit a few years back with “You Are Not Alone,” but seriously: Of the 16 tracks on “Invincible,” a whopping nine are slow ballads. Nobody wants to hear that much mush. After an entire listen through that album, I felt like I’d just eaten two pounds of cotton candy.
In their defense, I think that many of the ballads are great. But you should really cut down on the “let’s make love” slow-jam kind of stuff. Hate to break it to you, but I think that if I put your music on with the goal of getting a girl in the mood, she would think that I was some sort of pedophile. Which brings me to the next point…
2. Enough with the children! For Christ’s sake, Michael, please stop singing about/appearing with/talking incessantly about “the children.” To be honest, I think that it really freaks people out. Now, I don’t really think that you molested children (after all, who could forget GQ’s October 1994 article, “Was Michael Jackson Framed?”), but I think that the general public has a tendency to think otherwise. This means that putting a song like “The Lost Children” (complete with children’s choir) on “Invincible” immediately causes people to think of awful jokes at your expense.
3. Stop setting yourself up for people to hate you with ridiculous lyrics about how people hate you, but it doesn’t matter because they can’t get to you even though it’s obvious that they are getting to you, because you’re writing songs about it.
Some examples of this include: “You can’t believe it, you can’t conceive it/and you can’t touch me, ’cause I’m untouchable/and I know you hate it, and you can’t take it/you’ll never break me, ’cause I’m unbreakable” from “Unbreakable.” Or, “I need my privacy/I need my privacy/so paparazzi, get away from me” from “Privacy.”
Mike, buddy, you are obsessed with the fact that the press is out to get you. I hate to break it to you, but that is never going to change or get better. Just live with it, instead of turning out bitter verses about how you rule the world of music despite people trying to hold you down.
Now that the bad news is over with, I’m prepared to tell you what I like about the new album.
I think the production is awesome. “Invincible” has some of your best musical accompaniment since “Bad,” and you’re managing to sound modern without sounding forced. There are a lot of songs on the album, like “Unbreakable,” “2000 Watts” and “Threatened,” that could easily be called classic Michael Jackson songs. Plus, that’s a nice photo of you on the cover.
I hope that you don’t think that I’m trying to beat you down, Michael. What can I say? I’m a fan, and I want to see you do well. I could be wrong. Maybe this album will beat “Thriller” and become the best-selling album of all time. In which case, you have my word that I will never try to give you advice again.
In any case, good luck with this new phase of your career. Say hi to Bubbles for me.