Editor’s note: This satirical piece is part of our “Shallot” series. All content is unbelievably fake.
A recent study by the College of Sociology and Pseudosciences indicates that 85 percent of University students want schedules to be more like day care.
Oregon researchers handed out surveys to 3,000 students asking if they’d want scheduled times for PE, snack time and recess in their schedules. An overwhelming 2,550 students responded “heavens yes.”
“This is actually no surprise,” Dean of Sociology and Pseudosciences Karlton Marx said. “Everybody loves nap time.”
The survey caused speculation that the Fishbowl would be transformed into a gigantic love shack.
“That’d be so awesome,” said Mike Coleman,
University sophomore and president of the new student group, University Students for Playgrounds and Other Useless But Fun Stuff.
While most students are thrilled about the findings, other student groups, including the ASUO, are disgusted.
“College is supposed to be boring and mundane … that’s the whole reason I came to the University of Oregon,” said a member of the ASUO who wished to remain anonymous.
The USPOUBFS has undertaken heavy recruitment and has set their goal to install a three-credit nap class into the University curriculum.
“You mean you want to give me credit to sleep, bro? Awesome!” said Bobby Chambers, president of Delta Iota Kappa. “What’s next, a class where you get to talk about sex all day?”
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