Should you still be using condoms with your love partner during sex when you both are committed to each other and are in an exclusive relationship? Asking for a gay couple.

• Condoms and Commitment

Dear Condoms and Commitment,

Navigating the world of sex, condoms and relationships can be difficult. Sex education (if you even received it) teaches us that condoms are the only way to have safe sex. Well, that is true some of the time, but it can get more complicated than that. If you are in a committed relationship, the conversation around unprotected sex is one that should be taken seriously.

A great way to start figuring this out is by having an open and honest conversation about unprotected sex and STI testing with your partner(s). This may be uncomfortable, and you will have to be vulnerable, but it is important because it will establish a sense of trust.

There are a few starter sentences you can use. For example, you could say, “Hey, I have been thinking about maybe us not using condoms,” or you could ask “How do you feel about us using/not using condoms?” These are casual and will hopefully get the conversation started.

Once you get the ball rolling, you both can express your opinions about the subject in a safe and open way. It is important to listen to your partner(s) and be open to accepting their side. They might have a different opinion from you, and that is okay. After having that conversation, you can come to a mutual conclusion that works best for you. This may be deciding to not use condoms or continuing to use them. There is no wrong or right decision when it comes to this topic.

Also, if you are in a queer/gay relationship, if you and your partner are monogamous or polyamorous and you both feel comfortable, then there is nothing wrong with not using condoms. There is a misconception that you always have to use external protection. This is true if you are hooking up with various people, but if you are with a partner consistently, you feel comfortable and they feel comfortable, foregoing a condom is a viable option.

Another precaution that can be taken before not using condoms or any external birth control is getting STI tested. STI testing allows for you and your partner(s) to engage in safe sex that does not include external safer sex supplies. The easiest way to set this up is calling the UO Health Center or calling the local Planned Parenthood. Also, if you are someone who can be on hormonal birth control, seeing a doctor to hear about those options is another way to make your partner feel comfortable.

This may seem scary because in most sexual health classes we are told funny sayings like “wrap it before you tap it.” However, it is important to remember sex is more complicated than that. Not using a condom is a choice between partners, and it can be very intimate. So just remember that to take that next step with your partner(s), there needs to be mutual trust and a dynamic conversation. Also, it is okay to decide to continue using condoms. Again, there is not a right or wrong answer; it is about what is best for you as a couple.

Overall, the key to this decision is talking to your partner(s), listening to both sides and coming to an agreement you both feel comfortable with. There is no “correct” way to handle this topic. There is only what feels right to both of you in a decision that you make together.