DISCLAIMER: This special April Fools’ edition contains spoofed content
The NCAA has cast a fatal spell on the Hogwarts Quidditch team.
After a 12-year investigation, the perennially successful Lions will be banned from all NCAA competition for a period of six years after more than 700 individual rules violations were uncovered. An 893-page report detailing Hogwarts’ infractions recommended the “death penalty,” which has not been used on a program since its 1987 implementation against Southern Methodist football.
“It became clear to us that Hogwarts and those associated with its Quidditch program did knowingly violate the conditions of our rule book on so many occasions as to be blatantly disrespectful with regard to the rules of amateurism,” NCAA president Mark Emmert said in a Thursday press conference. “We are not in the business of making examples out of schools that do not enforce these guidelines. However, the culture of rampant abuse of agreed-upon amateurism rules necessitated the strongest response available.”
The NCAA has mandated that five seasons — including four national titles — be vacated as part of the punishment.
Hogwarts has won 57 out of the 68 contested NCAA Division I National Quidditch Championships, giving the U.K.-based school the most dominant program in any sport in the world.
Hogwarts Headmistress Minerva McGonagall said the school would appeal.
“We believe that the NCAA, well-meaning as they may be with regards to amateurism rules, did not put events and circumstances in proper context before making a decision,” McGonagall said. “Our case in an appeal will show the errors made by investigators in making an unprecedented show of supposed discipline.”
The controversy centers on improper benefits provided to former Hogwarts seeker Harry Potter, a four-time winner of the James Potter Award as Division I’s best Quidditch player. Potter was allegedly given cash, meals, course books and gifts valued at more than 250,000 Galleons ($4.8 million).
“Never in my time as an NCAA investigator have I seen such staggering sums be provided to a student-athlete on the basis of who he or she is,” said Julie Roe Lach, director of the NCAA’s enforcement division.
Former Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore has been identified as Potter’s greatest provider, giving around $3 million in meals, travel expenses and other benefits to the Godric’s Hollow native. Dumbledore, also the school’s athletic director, passed away in 1997 in a battle between good and evil forces in the magical world.
“Albus Dumbledore was a good man and a great administrator,” McGonagall said. “He truly had the best interests of every young witch and wizard at heart, no more so — and no less so — than for Harry.”
Dumbledore allegedly used his considerable influence around the school and around London to cover for Potter’s multiple alleged misdeeds.
In the fall of 1992, Potter stole and crashed a flying car belonging to another confidant and provider, Arthur Weasley, into a willow tree on the Hogwarts campus. Weasley’s son and Potter’s teammate, Ronald, was the passenger. Both suffered minor injuries; Potter was cited for the incident and released.
In 1993 and 1995, Potter was facing the threat of expulsion for magical assault and battery (on his aunt, Marge Dursley, and cousin, Dudley Dursley) and was suspended from the Lions. Dumbledore convinced the Ministry of Magic — the U.K.’s organizational body for wizards and witches, which oversees the private school – to let Potter remain in school. Allegations of cash bribes or influential spells provided to Ministry officials have proven inconclusive.
“Our administrators at Hogwarts have remained in consistent and acceptable contact with the NCAA as this investigation has been underway,” said Kingsley Shacklebolt, the current Minister of Magic. “We do not agree with the outcome of the proceedings, but we have been forthright and open during them.”
Arthur Weasley and his wife, Molly, were known to house Potter on at least three occasions and provide him with food, clothing, meals and Quidditch World Cup tickets without properly notifying the Hogwarts compliance officer, Severus Snape. Upon Snape’s death in 1998, many documents regarding Potter’s alleged benefactors had gone reportedly missing, charmed or hexed.
Oregon head Quidditch coach Charlie Weasley is the son of Arthur and Molly Weasley. Charlie Weasley provided documentation detailing an extended stay in Romania, where he studied dragons, during the time Potter was staying with his parents. (Charlie Weasley’s work has led to the creation of Oregon’s esteemed Department of Dragon Studies.)
“I have provided all necessary information to the NCAA regarding Oregon’s involvement in the case,” said Charlie Weasley, a two-time national champion with the Ducks, in a prepared statement. “I cannot comment on the actions of my parents and brothers, and the actions of my alma mater, other than to say I am saddened by today’s news.”
Twins George Weasley and the late Fred Weasley are former teammates of Potter’s at Hogwarts who started London-based joke and curiosities shop Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, one of the fastest-growing companies in the magical world. The brothers reportedly gave Potter over $200,000 in cash and gifts during the 1996-97 season, Potter’s sixth and final with Hogwarts.
George Weasley issued a statement that read in part, “We are proud of our Lions and saddened by an undisguised attempt to besmirch Harry Potter’s good name.”
Potter was recruited to Hogwarts at the age of 11 by noted runner and Dumbledore confidant Rubeus Hagrid, who has been infamously connected to illegal animal trading in London. (Hogwarts is a seven-year academic institution that recruits wizards, beginning at the age of 11; it was approved for the NCAA in 1935 and re-approved in 2002, based on the existence of the Southeastern Conference and Arizona State.)
A 1995 article by Rita Skeeter in The Quibbler found that Hagrid provided cash, gifts and meals to Potter in exchange for his letter of intent to Hogwarts. Hagrid was awarded for his efforts by Dumbledore in 1993 with a teaching position at the school.
“Rubeus Hagrid and Albus Dumbledore were good friends and colleagues,” McGonagall said. “It is speculative at best to base their relationship off an individual, albeit talented, student-athlete.”
Potter was also found to have received the illegal gift of a Firebolt broomstick from his godfather, the late Sirius Black, in 1993. The broom was used in competition but never formally registered with the NCAA.
Potter went 86-1 as the Hogwarts seeker over his career, winning national championships in 1992, 1994 and 1997. His only loss came in a match at Stanford in 1993.
Known for his advanced flying ability and dogged pursuit of Golden Snitches, Potter enjoyed undefeated seasons in his freshman and sophomore years. (Hogwarts pulled out of the 1993 NCAA Quidditch tournament out of respect for several students that had been paralyzed in an on-campus incident.) Despite the Stanford loss his junior year, Potter once again led the Lions to a national title with a dominant 260-point victory over Notre Dame.
Potter redshirted the 1994-95 season to focus on other pursuits and returned, refreshed and motivated, for a fifth year. However, he would be kicked off the Hogwarts team after punching Boise State seeker Draco Malfoy on national television after a non-conference win against the Broncos.
The incident marred his national reputation nationally, but he was reinstated by Dumbledore following the season and successfully petitioned the NCAA for a sixth year. Amid additional distractions, Potter led Hogwarts to another undefeated season, national title and James Potter trophy.
He left the school without completing his degree following the season.
Potter is the son of the late James Po
tter, for whom the top honor of men’s college Quidditch is named. James Potter and his wife, Lily, were murdered when Potter was one year old. He was raised by his uncle and aunt, Vernon and Petunia Dursley, until he entered Hogwarts. Harry Potter has described the Dursleys as “abusive” and unsupportive of his athletic and academic goals and achievements.
Now 30, Potter lives in London with his wife, Ginny, and three children. Ginny Potter is a former professional Quidditch player and a staff writer for London’s The Daily Prophet; she is also a part-time Quidditch commentator for ESPN8.
Attempts to reach Harry and Ginny Potter for comment were unsuccessful.
Lions head coach Oliver Wood, a former Hogwarts player and teammate of Potter’s, expressed disappointment and frustration with Thursday’s verdict.
“This institution has been beaten with Bludgers and remains standing tall,” Wood said. “Hogwarts still holds the Quaffle. Hogwarts controls its destiny. These sanctions will not stand the test of time and appeals.”
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