Editor’s note: The following is part of our Shallot series. All content is unbelievably fake.
Sophomore Albert Coen has recently caused a stir among University students over the amount of work he actually did over winter break. Coen, who spent vacation in his hometown of Seattle, said that not only was he able to work as an assistant at his dad’s office, but he also completed all the reading for his winter term classes, wrote all his papers, and even got a head start on his doctoral dissertation.
“It just felt really good knowing I was being productive,” Coen said.
After hearing of his busy and fulfilling time away from school, friends of the 19-year-old Egyptian philosophy major were shocked and outraged.
One friend, Eric Albright, was just passing Coen on the street when he learned about Coen’s break.
“It was fine at first,” Albright said. “He asked me about my holiday, and I told him how boring and unproductive it was. But then I asked him, and it was just … insane.”
Albright said Coen talked about all the little projects he had finally accomplished, and how he once didn’t sleep for an entire day due to his work.
“It was disgusting,” Albright said. “He even told me he didn’t get on Facebook the entire time. What the hell is that about?”
Coen seems to be unaware of his frustratingly eventful break, and he even tells friends and colleagues how many times he went to the gym over the holiday.
“Now that all my work is done for this term, I can finally work on memorizing the final season of Lost,” Coen said, while fidgeting with his bow tie.
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