Opinion: Social media promotes unhealthy dating tactics and toxic relationships
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If there’s one thing that’s emerged from social media, it’s terrible dating advice. I’m not talking about telling your friends to flirt with the cutie in the corner. I mean advice that promotes toxic, destructive behavior in the dating world.
Within the past decade, the younger generation began romanticizing hookup culture and toxic relationships. In their defense, it’s all around them. Movies, books and television don’t demonstrate healthy relationships. Social media has now become an outlet for toxic dating patterns.
Take it from me, who has been through every dating era and sought reassurance or advice online. TikTok is a prime example and distributes different layers of toxicity.
There’s the surface layer, which tells you to play hard to get. TikTok user @Jaden_Cradle gave advice on how to act nonchalant.
“Your responses have to be as minimal as possible. Send four texts a day, if that. Split them up between times and hours,” he said. Seems like a lot of work.
TikTok user @BeccaMoore discusses “how to be the one who got away.” She recommends acting like you don’t care, even in a breakup. While it’s healthy to focus on oneself rather than putting all your energy into a relationship, silencing your emotions is not the solution.
“It shows dating as a game,” University of Oregon fourth-year Kayla Halberstam said. “Instead of being your authentic self, people try to appeal to the person they want to date rather than seeing if they actually like them. It takes the focus off the important things.”
Then there’s the delusional side of TikTok. Many singles have embraced “spirituality” in dating. This ranges from manifesting partners to watching tarot card readings online.
The videos always say the same thing: “They’re thinking about you right now. They’re giving you mixed signals and ignoring you. But deep down, they want to talk to you nonstop…”
“It’s curated to what you want to hear,” Halberstam said. “When those come up on my feed they annoy me so I keep scrolling. But if you’re in a fragile state, I think it could possibly influence someone.”
One could consider trying to understand one’s actions as delusional. I disagree to a certain extent. The dating scene is very complex, so it’s human nature to perceive our partners. Yet, it ornaments toxicity when one is jumping through hoops to gain understanding.
Did they do this, but really meant this? Are anxious and avoidant attachment styles compatible? At that point, you’re trying to force something that likely isn’t even meant to be. All of that energy should go into yourself, not someone else.
Halberstam also brought up the children who watch videos about hyper-fixated dating. “I would think, ‘these older girls are saying x,y,z and it has this many views.’ That could have negative impacts on younger women,” she said.
The last layer of TikTok advice is the “villain era,” such as setting boundaries and putting yourself first. There are pros and cons to this. Relationship standards, especially for women, are starting to rise. As a result, dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing.
Psychologist Greg Mantos found in a study that “men need to address skills deficits to meet healthier relationship expectations.” This pertains to poor communication skills, intimacy and emotional connection.
Women are over it, and I’m all for that. Yet I hate the “villain era” standard: “If they wanted to, they would.” Dating is so situational. Not everyone possesses the same expectations, so it’s all up for interpretation.
My other issue is the intentions. People go to all these lengths to be above the toxicity, but are still waiting for someone to change. Raise the standards for yourself. Not for the anticipation of them meeting you halfway.
Overall, take internet dating advice with a pinch of salt. Listen to friends, family or life coaches who know you the best. Dating shouldn’t be difficult, so if you’re left looking online for advice, you already have your answer.