For many college students, Mother’s Day is a shot at redemption for put off phone calls and years of teenage delinquency. But for some, Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of a life lost.

With data from 2021, the United States Census Bureau reported 11.5% of 18- to 29-year-olds had lost a parent, the loss of one’s father being more common than the loss of one’s mother. And while most carry the grief of their parents passing every day of their lives, that pain can become unbearable on certain occasions such as birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and Mother’s Day.
“This is my first Mother’s Day without my mom,” Lily Kunde, a sophomore business student at UO, said. “It’s sad, because I don’t think I even spent her last Mother’s Day with her. I definitely didn’t think it would have been her last, so I didn’t really think anything of it.”

In the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day, the media is bombarded with Hallmark commercials and advertisements for the perfect gift. On college campuses, students are planning trips home or writing letters to show their mom some extra appreciation. On Mother’s Day, social media posting jumps as people share gushing photo compilations and shoutouts. 

Marc Grignon, a sophomore business administration student at UO, lost his mom in January 2022 and will be spending his second Mother’s Day without his mom this year. Last year, Grignon’s fraternity had a mom’s weekend, and he said it was extremely difficult seeing everyone with their moms. “It definitely brings up a bit of jealousy,” Grignon said.

The boost in conversations about motherly bonds may be inconsequential for most, but it can be very difficult for those who no longer have their mom present to celebrate. Feelings of grief may be dug up or intensified. This phenomenon is called bereavement, and it can occur any time after a loss when a certain event triggers an upheaval of feelings of grief. And while others are preoccupied with the festivities, support systems wane and grief turns to feelings of isolation.

For Kunde, Mother’s Day was a difficult holiday for several years leading up to her mom’s passing. Kunde lost her mom in the winter of 2022 and said she had a rocky relationship with her mom as her mom struggled with addiction.

“Because Mother’s Day was sometimes during times where she was either in or out of rehab or deep in addiction, it was never really a day that was very emphasized because it was kind of always sad,” Kunde said.

Because bereavement creates an increase in cortisol, our body’s stress hormone, it is important to prioritize self-care to manage stress levels. This can look like staying off social media to avoid Mother’s Day content, prioritizing more time with loved ones or doing an activity in honor of the person you have lost. Kunde said she will be spending this Mother’s Day with her strongest support system, her dad and sister. 

“My dad texted me the other day and said, ‘What would be the best thing that we could do to have a Mother’s Day that is comfortable?’” Kunde said. “And it just so happens that this weekend on Mother’s Day, we’ll all be together. I think that’s the ideal situation. Being with family has honestly been the main thing that’s healing.”

For Grignon’s family, Mother’s Day was a casual holiday celebrated with dinner or breakfast in bed. Last year, Grignon said he had a family call with his dad and brother to commemorate how they missed his mom and to say they love one another. Grignon said he will be prioritizing spending time with his family again this year for Mother’s Day.

“It’s important to be unapologetic and do what you need to do for yourself by taking time to yourself and spending time with family,” Grignon said.

For those seeking professional support in this difficult time, UO offers drop in counseling. Let’s Talk free drop in counseling is available on the Monday following Mother’s Day from 4-6 p.m. or Wednesday 2-4 p.m. Long term counseling is also available through UO counseling services.

“I came to this conclusion that probably everyone is going through something just as difficult if not worse,” Kunde said. “My mom has this problem, and I’m sure other people have other familial problems.”