Opinion: The creator of five separate languages to express your love to someone doesn’t think gay people are capable of speaking any of them. Let me come up with some new ones we can all use.
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Gary Chapman, the author of “The Five Love Languages,” has seen his life’s work turn into just about every Buzzfeed quiz on the internet. The only problem: he’s used part of that legacy to promote homophobic views on raising children in his newsletter and wasn’t qualified to publish a theory about all relationships in the first place.
Chapman received a bachelor’s degree from Moody Bible Institute in Chicago and his Ph.D. in adult education from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. As much as I now want to drop out and see what they get up to at Moody Bible Institute, these degrees don’t seem to justify being a spokesperson on relationship communication, and his traditional religious views muddle his theory for every non-Christian couple.

Imagine my shock and dismay when I found out that a popular trend to determine romantic compatibility and love was entirely baseless. I cried for days, but that’s probably just because I’m a Cancer.

The “languages” themselves are outdated and inaccurate as well; I couldn’t even find a single one of them on Duolingo. The original five are just a bit off, and he missed a few other forms of affection. So I’ve not only tweaked the existing love languages but added a few of my own so this theory better reflects modern and inclusive young romance. 

Quality rhyme

This refers to people that show their trust and affection in a potential partner by sitting in a car with them to make them listen to their unreleased rap mp4 files they have saved on their phone. If you really want to woo this type of person, give them a “Yeah… the beat is cool…” to put them on (Sound)Cloud nine. Don’t worry, they only locked the car doors to make sure the song doesn’t get leaked; you can leave anytime.

Fit giving

Some people dress to impress just to get depressed. People with this love language will put on their hottest outfit solely to wear it in front of the cute Market of Choice cashier, only to hear them flirt with: “Would you like a bag for 5 cents?”

Words of disinformation

Straight-up lying to your partner is healthy non-toxic banter. “Sometimes I’ll tell my girlfriend that a random celebrity she knows died, even when they’re still alive,” an anonymous student told me. “Her pouty face is just so adorable.” Some known users of this love language are Elon Musk, that “Try Guys” guy and Dean Weaver from Dizzy Dean’s Donuts.

Metaphysical touch

As I said, the old languages are outdated. They need to reflect the normal, sensible and — dare I say — utopian interactions relationships have in modern-day romance. Thus, we have “metaphysical touch,” describing couples that only interact with one another through their Oculus Rifts in VR chat rooms. They aren’t even long-distance, either. They just like doing that. “It does get awkward sometimes when we go to kiss and bump headsets, but we move on quick,” another anonymous student told me. “Why would I ever have a type? My boyfriend can change into whatever anime character or animal I want.” 

Active service 

Simple enough, this person would show their affection for you by enrolling in the United States Marine Corps. I hope you like a person in uniform. If not, I guess it is pretty easy to leave overseas letters on read.

Sending months-old Instagram Reels

Now we are drifting into uncharted territory. Well, these posts charted months ago on Facebook, but now we’re looking at completely original love languages. This one describes a person’s affection being expressed solely through about three or four reels of some frogs, pick-your-dream-vacation-home, a cooking recipe and a small child falling over. Whatever you say in response to these reels, be sure to reply “us” to the one with the frogs or your partner will leave you.

Inappropriately-timed raspberry-blowing

Due to a growing national trend, couples should always be prepared for their partner to come down with a case of the “goochy-goochy-goos.” In the Knight Library, at the Bernie Sanders rally or at dinner with your parents, people with this love language aren’t afraid to speak their truth anywhere. Let them.

Naming your pet after your crush

No, you don’t need to have a conversation with that person before you do this. They’ll find it endearing when you tell them eventually. Just try to keep it alive until then; that’d be awkward.

And finally:

Staring.