Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
Happy spring, ducklings! Yes, it is spring, darnit. Mid-January means that season’s just around the corner, so despite all the dark clouds surrounding me I will CELEBRATE SPRING. Yes, I may be a little crazy and as sunshine-desperate as a ladybug. But I’m guessing we’re all a little desperate to romp barefoot through the grass. Or have a roll in the hay, whichever you prefer.
Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. Our next column is the unofficial Pre-Valentine’s Day Planning Week, so I’ll be happy to help with any quandaries regarding that uber-commercial holiday. I may not be a doctor or shrink, but I can bake a hell of a heart-shaped cake. 
I’ve just realized that my girlfriend lies to me. A lot. Just about small things, like who she had lunch with or what time she got home. I know this really doesn’t matter because these events don’t matter, but it still makes me feel icky. And it sounds like she just does this all the time. I’m not the only one, so to speak. What does this mean?—The Straight-Edged One
Small stuff matters a lot, Straight-Edged. As cheesy as it sounds, how a person acts in normal life indicates how they will act on the big stuff. If your girlfriend has no qualms about lying to you now, that’s an indicator that she won’t have any problem with lying to you in the future. It might indicate that she’ll have no trouble cheating on you as time goes on. That’s a scary but very real possibility.
My real advice? Confront her, but start packing your mental suitcase right now. I don’t care how long you’ve been with her. If you can’t fully trust your partner on a daily basis, there is definitely trouble afoot. In terms of what all this “means,” it means she’s not a good partner. Move on.
My boyfriend and I always spend the night with each other, which is all (mostly) good fun until we wake up and our cuddles turn into him poking me with his stiff wang. I’m usually not in any hurry to make morning whoopee—I just don’t wake up in the mood—but he begs me incessantly and I always feel bad turning him down (so to speak). Cosmopolitan magazine says chicks should just give in—what’s the harm?—but what if I would simply rather not? Should I let him use me, or should I keep resisting until (when/if) I’m equally as into it as he is?—Thanks But No Thanks
If you’d honestly rather not have sex in the morning, you have the prerogative to say no. That’s what being an independent partner in a relationship is! Ask your boyfriend if there’s another position or another time of day (afternoon delight, maybe?) that would satisfy him as much as having morning sex would. Or maybe it could be something that you throw him occasionally, just to be a good partner. Everyone has a weird freaky thing that they want most of all but only get rarely. If people who loved to have sex while tied to trees were obsessed getting only that, they would never have any partners.
Here’s the harsh part: You gotta have the strength to walk away if your boyfriend is making this a deep issue. In the grand scheme of your sex life, this shouldn’t be a big deal. If his prick keeps poking you like a Facebook stalker no matter what you say, he’s not being considerate enough of your feelings. And if he keeps bringing it up to you, that’s definitive proof that your boyfriend is an immature prick. A prick whose prick does not deserve morning sex from your lovely self.
Nina, do you believe in true love? Like in a people-meant-for-each-other kind of way? I feel like a lot of my friends believe in it more than me (I’m trying to be realistic about love). But I’ve grown up thinking about it a lot, and I’m just really confused. Do you believe it can happen?—Prince Seeks Princess
Yes! No! Aw, fuck.
This is the quandary of Western civilization, Mr. Prince, particularly of American twenty-somethings. We’ve grown up around the boom of Disney movies, teen soaps, and romantic comedies which have all comprised a kind of True Love Paradigm. This means that a lot of people in their 20s (women in particular) walk around  looking for the One and Only. Even if they end up being completely cynical and intellectual, there’s always that culturally-induced wondering about the One maybe being out there somewhere.
But what are you to do, Prince? I’d say that you should live as if there was a One out there for you (meaning don’t sleep with a nasty piece of ass because you feel you’ll never have anything awesome or pure or good). But don’t live as a monk/nun who idealizes the perfect person out there that they haven’t yet met. Date around! Even if they don’t end up being the One, you could end up denying yourself great opportunities to grow by not being with other people. And that, my friend, is the way to make sure that you don’t find the One (if there is indeed someone assigned to you in the lesson plan of the cosmos).
I’ve always wanted to have an orgasm at the same time as my boyfriend (I’m a girl). But only one of my friends has ever had one with her partner—I have no idea how to do it!!! Any suggestions?—Want To Feel The Earth Move
Wow, ambitious padawan you are.
Simultaneous orgasms are an extremely rare thing, Earth. If you really want to have one with your partner, it’s going to have to be a team effort. You gotta train your bodies to know each other, to be intuitive to what’s happening. And perhaps most important, you have to fuck each other a lot. You gotta be all synced up , honey. That means feeling emotionally safe with each other as well as physically informed. That way you know how to calm him down if his pleasure is coming at a faster pace, or he’ll know how to titillate you just right to send you over the edge with him. So go play and explore!
 
What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: What is rape? Baby, don’t hurt me no more—the federal definition of rape has officially expanded to include more far-reaching possibilities, according to the Huffington Post (and many other news outlets besides). One example of these changes? Men and children can now be victims of rape under federal law. You can also be considered a victim if you couldn’t fight for yourself at the time of the incident (say if you were too young, or were under the influence of drugs). But the Huffington Post points out that in many ways, this is just the federal government changing itself to reflect what a lot of state governments have already had in place for a while. So thank you, federal government, for finally catching up to the rest of us.