| What to watch for If you know someone who may be in an abusive relationship, you should set up an appointment with Student Life, Womenspace or the ASUO Women’s Center to get advice about how to help, said Margo Schaefer of Womenspace. It’s important not to put pressure on someone who is in an abusive relationship, she said. “Often what we do when we try to help feels just like what the batterer says,” she said. “We say, ‘Don’t let that person control you, let me control you.’ Or the batterer makes you feel stupid, but you say, ‘What are you thinking being in this relationship?” She said if you suspect a friend is being abused, you shouldn’t use labels. Simply say, “It seems like you’ve been having a stressful time, how can I help and support you?” Schaefer points to a list of signs (published on today’s front page) that everyone should look to see if they are at risk of being abused or inflicting abuse. “If you ever do anything on this list then take a look at that,” she said. “Because it’s not leading to a healthy relationship.” If you do several of the things on the list, “you have a problem,” she said, and you should consider batterer intervention. She said relationships should be a comfortable place where your partner “makes you feel as though you can do anything.” If you are being abused, she said the first thing you should do is go to a safe place. The emergency room at Sacred Heart is a good place to go because there is a security guard and you can stay there as long as you need, she said. Most importantly, you don’t want to isolate yourself, she said. It never works out in most abusive relationships, she said. “There are a number of folks out there who experience domestic violence and they want to reconcile,” she said. “It’s perfectly understandable that you are hoping the person will change, but a person will never change if they get what they want.” In order to fix an abusive relationship, the abuser must be separated from the victim for 18 months while he or she undergoes batterer intervention, she said. “The belief that if you stay with the person they will change is a fallacy because they are getting what they want,” she said. Intervention for batterers lasts for about 52 weeks and costs roughly $15 per week. It’s expensive and time consuming, but “if you don’t do it you’re never going to have good relationships, Schaefer said. “There’s no more important of an investment.” People don’t abuse just because of circumstance, Schaefer said. If they were abused as a child they are more likely of becoming abusers as adults, but “we all reject things that our parents have done,” she said. People also don’t abuse just because of stress. They also don’t abuse just because they drink, she said. The biggest warning sign that someone might become an abuser is jealousy, Schaefer said. “(Abusers) have a well defined sense of entitlement,” she said. “They have a belief system that the world owes them something, and when the world does not comply they are going to take control in another way.” – Ryan Knutson |
Warning Signs of Domestic/Dating Violence Is your partner someone who… * is jealous and possessive toward you: won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up. * tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions. * doesn’t take your opinions very seriously. * is scary. Uses weapons to show power. You worry about how they will react to things you say or do. * is violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags about mistreating others. * pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex. Attempts to manipulate or guilt-trip you by saying “If you really loved me you would…” Gets too serious about the relationship too fast. * abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them. * blames you when they mistreat you. Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, made them do it, led them on. * demands attention at inappropriate times such as during at work or during class or religious services. * has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems. * your friends and family have warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety. Womenspace 24-hour Crisis Line: 485-6513 or 1-800-281-2800. |
Domestic abuse: What to watch for
May 15, 2007
More to Discover
