Bees are flying, flowers are blooming and animals are starting to get extra friendly with each other. Nature has given us the sign that spring has fallen upon us. But more than anything it’s the hormone-charged spring couples at the University that best remind us that it’s mating season once again.
That’s right. It’s not just the birds and bees that are feeling extra amorous at this time of year. Everywhere we turn, there’s a couple that is involved in some love-professing activity that involves more mush than a Rock Hudson film. Hormones fly out of control and suddenly every grassy area is occupied by Cupid-caught couples who can’t keep their hands off of one another. That’s great that they have each other’s company to share the outdoor fun, but they shouldn’t forget that others are also trying to enjoy the nice weather.
At springtime, these University couples not only suddenly turn up at every corner, (’tis the season to hook up) but also feel the need to practice excessive public displays of affection. It’s as if the sun puts these spring lovers into a trance, and they forget that they aren’t invisible and don’t even notice when make-out sessions end up spraying innocent bystanders. Campus turns into a scene from Woodstock, with couples that find great meaning in the phrase “free love,” which can leave even the truest romantics annoyed.
I swear there’s just something about that sun. Whatever it is, those rays somehow find a way to transform campus into a place where people decide “naked” is an outfit (which isn’t such a bad thing) and voyeurism becomes an extracurricular activity. Any student will vouch that the University is a whole new world when that big orange circle makes its appearance. Campus is always buzzing with some kind of event, whether it be an amphitheater rally and band performance or some type of street fair. But the sun doesn’t just change the physical atmosphere; it also seems to set a different mood in the air. Then along come the spring lovers, whose displays of affection take some pleasure away from the lively University sunshine world.
This school term is one of the best times for students to get outside and appreciate the beautiful, green nature Oregon is so well known for. But these overly friendly couples, which participate in activities ranging from sick cuteness to X-rated exercises, infest the grounds and ruin the natural beauty that is our campus. It’s just not fair to the rest of us. Gradually every open lawn and bench is taken over by these inconsiderate spring lovers. And don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against love. But there’s only so much body groping and spit swapping onlookers can take while eating lunch or hanging out with friends.
But it’s not just the students who sit outside to eat, tan or just relax that are encroached upon by the spring lovers. Many also find that doing homework and studying outside is much more pleasurable than sitting inside a library, cafe or at a desk. But these scholarly individuals are constantly interrupted by the sounds of giddy laughter and heavy breathing of physical love, which quite frankly is a very disturbing distraction when one is trying to read a literary work or complete a chemistry assignment.
One or two affectionate mates here and there are okay because they remind us of what a happy thing love can be and may even elicit comments such as, “Aw, how cute” from passers-by. But for some reason, the sun sends hormones raging among those in love and they all at once forget the role of a bedroom. As a result, other students find themselves becoming the involuntary audience to these couples, which multiply by the day, rolling over one another and performing saliva-gushing tongue activity. It’s a great mystery how the sun seems to have the power to put even a monk in the mood.
In the case that you ever find yourself trapped in close quarters with these lovers, don’t worry, you do have options. 1) Start hooting and cheering them on using loud whistles and encouraging gestures. This should make your presence very well-known. 2) Throw peanuts, saltines — anything you’d eat at a circus. This has great potential to put a damper on the mood. 3) Bring a dog on a very long leash and let him wander over to the oblivious couple. Chances are they’ll either be very uncomfortable with a creature panting faster than they are, or the inappropriate sniffs will turn them off.
Because while these struck-by-the-sun couples may have butterflies in their stomachs, coerced spectators are sickened to their marrow. So even though I give the lovers the best of wishes, I just ask that they keep the anatomy lessons indoors or at least off the grass, and be considerate to the squirrels.