Asking for a Friend is the Daily Emerald’s sex and relationship column. Em Chan answers anonymous questions about anything from how to date during quarantine to how to heal a broken heart. Submit a question here: https://forms.gle/AZgBBMD65ZepY3KRA.
“How do I keep from falling in too deep with someone since I’m graduating soon?”
-Worried Single
Dear Worried,
If I led with sheer logic, I would say “love is logistics,” like I have in the past, and go on about being cognizant of your feelings, keeping yourself guarded and making sure you define the casual relationship between you and your date so it doesn’t cause you trouble later on… but feelings don’t work that way, and I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t trying to come to terms with this question in my own life.
As I thought about this question and all the directions this advice could go, the most simple answer is that if you want to avoid fallingat all, do not engage (in dating) at all.
You can only do so many things to prevent your feelings from growing deeper, but at the end of the day, if you want to avoid it completely,don’t get involved with anyone romantically, period.
But I don’t want to stop seeing them, you might be saying. In this case, you have to accept the risk of potentially “falling in too deep.”
Even if you don’t develop greater feelings, you two may not stay in touch after graduation because life might push you in different directions. You will feel a form of heartbreak, whether that be a couple of days of sadness or something akin to watching the end of “The Notebook”over a few months, regardless.
Perhaps you didn’t even choose to date, but then someone walked into your life and changed everything you previously thought about dating before graduation, and now you’re stuck with Feelings. The same logic applies: either don’t entertain anything outside of a platonic relationship or go on a date and let what happens happen.
Sure, just keeping it casual works if you’re dead sure that you won’t fall for the person you’re seeing, but if you’re still spending time with them, getting to know them and investing yourself in them your feelings will most likely grow from all that time together. (Side note: this is why “friends with benefits” situations typically don’t end well.)
In all seriousness, this period of time is a turbulent one, filled with trying to wrap things up, planning for the future and being anxious about what comes next as graduation gets closer. Adding in an uncertain relationship can make your situation much more stressful.
The start of any new relationship, be it casual or serious, is scary; it’s this timing of senior year that makes it even more terrifying because there are so many more factors that could cause your relationship to tank faster and harder than before.
However, being open to relationships at all always means that you’re allowing yourself to go out on a limb. Fear of vulnerability and failed relationships can hold us back, but the only thing that trumps fear is hope: hope that maybe the connection will be worth the potential pain. Here’s my take: if a relationship happens, let it happen. It may come as a surprise from a cynic like me, but just admitting that you are scared of what’s to come because you like someone so much means that you won’t take your time with them for granted.
If you do end up falling in deep, don’t deny it to yourself or the person you’ve fallen for. Tell them about your concerns and even discuss your potential relationship trajectory if you’re really smitten, because it does work out for some people — it just requires you to be brutally honest.
In the end, you’ll never get this precious time — senior year — back again, so if you feel brave enough, allow yourself to indulge in it a little. In order to not regret the could-have-beens, you have to confront the what-ifs head-on. From one person sitting in their own feelings to another: let things progress on their own, one day at a time, and let yourself enjoy it.
