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Question: “How do you stay connected to people who prefer to disconnect themselves in stressful times? Like, they shut themselves down and prefer to isolate themselves physically and socially.”

– Stressed Reacher

Dear Reacher,

I think with the unprecedented state of the world right now, we’re all scrambling to figure out how to process our emotions. Trying to communicate through phones and social media almost never has the same impact of in-person interactions. 

From my own experience of being an outreacher, trying to figure out how best to keep in touch (especially right now during social distancing) is always a challenge. There are a few ways to navigate this kind of scenario, depending on a few factors.

In this technological age where news cycles, social media and work never cease, it’s easy to get swamped with notifications from news outlets, work emails, social media, texts from people you want to and don’t want to hear from, emails about bills, another breaking news notification — can you see how chaotic everything can quickly become? To reach out to people who are icing you out, do consider that their self-isolation response is similar to a fight or flight response: They’ve chosen flight, possibly for lack of knowing how to fight. The person you’re trying to reach may be isolating themselves because they’re unsure of how to talk about their feelings in the first place. 

Consider the kind of emotional toll that social distancing is placing on people. Perhaps the person you’re trying to reach out to just doesn’t know how to process this new type of stress. Before the mandate on staying home, if people needed a distraction, they could go out and find distractions. Since we’ve been stuck indoors, they now have time to actually mull over their stressors and emotional responses, potentially figuring themselves out or digging themselves deeper in an emotional rut.

Despite all the chaos, it’s a kind gesture that you’re trying to reach out to people and make sure they’re well. Many will appreciate the gesture, but for some, the gesture can potentially be grouped with other life stressors. Some people may get so overwhelmed that they will do anything to get peace, even at the cost of barring themselves from small, kind gestures. 

In the end, you have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t do much in this situation. I understand how it’s hard to hold yourself back from trying to fix other people’s problems, but if you’ve sent out multiple messages and are being ignored, you have to take a step back. You can’t exactly go visit them, and spamming their phone and social media is something you can only do so much before it’s more annoying than helpful.  

So take a deep breath and think about how often you’ve been trying to reach them. With spring term back up again, this might be a good time to just send off a message with encouragement and well wishes about restarting classes and taking care of themselves. Then, don’t send anything else. You’ve already shown you cared by reaching out, so just give them the space they may be needing and wait at least a week before you reach back out to them again.

Not messaging can be difficult, especially if you’re concerned about the person. But from my experience, they’ll feel better about being given space and will hopefully open up. It may take a while for the person to get to that point, but that’s what being a good friend means: being there through thick and thin.