Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
This is weird: A lot of people saw fit to bombard my mailbox with kinky stuff this weekend. Did y’all get especially freaky during Thanksgiving or something? It’s pretty weird, I gotta say. I mean, I’ll take on anything you people can throw at me. But it’s odd to hear so much kinky talk thrown around just when we’re starting to bundle up. I’ve yet to receive a letter from someone with a Film Noir fantasy that involves trench coats, though.
Send your sex and relationship questions to [email protected]. They won’t be answered by a doctor or therapist, though I am fluent in Body Language. Took three years of it in high school, I did.
I’ve just entered a new relationship, and I really like the person I’m with. My problem is that I’ve been single for a really long time—about five years. And the relationship before that dry spell was a pretty meaningful one. Lady totally broke my heart. I had to learn how to be independent again, look out only for me.
I really care about the person I’m with now. I don’t want to leave them. But I’m afraid of losing my independence. I’m used to being single, and doing things my way all the time. I don’t know if I’ll be able to be good to her. —Han Solo Type
Han, your concern is totally legitimate. You were hurt a long time ago, and you had to learn to cope with that heartache. You had to go into Bachelor Mode for a while, learning how to live independently of a partner. It probably doesn’t feel like it, but this may have actually helped you become a better catch. You’re less likely to be needy and clingy once you decided to find a new partner.
My advice would be to take things slow with this person, and to tell her you want to do so. She also needs to know that you’ve been hurt before, and that that’s the reason why (as opposed to being uncertain about her herself). And you don’t have to think of concepts like no longer being able to do things your way all the time if you’re taking it slow. That’s a down-the-road, talking-of-commitment type of concern, Han.
The fact that you want you be with her shows that you want to move past your lingering hurt. You’re not a bad person for being concerned about your impact on this new partner. On the contrary, you’re being considerate. Maybe this is an opportunity to learn how to not only cope after heartbreak, but live a full life beyond it. With any luck, this lady will help you work to get to that.
Nina, I have to confess something: I’m one of those guys that doesn’t like foreplay. I just don’t, it freaks me out sometimes. Why do people need to get warmed up before having sex anyway? If they want to have sex, they should get into it. That’s how I feel anyway.
But my girlfriend insists that she needs it, and it’s killing me. It just seems like a waste of time. She’s so sexy, and I don’t always want to mess around before we actually do it. How do I communicate this to her? —No Incentive Needed
My financial geek senses are tingling from your pseudonym, so I’m going to answer you with a financial parallel. A sexual relationship is like a credit card account. You take out what you need at the time, but you need to build up a relationship with the institution where you have the account if you’re ever going to have the opportunity to do more. If you don’t know the ins and outs of the account, or what the stipulations are for maintaining it, your score goes down. That’s what foreplay essentially does in a sexual relationship. It sets the tone for a lot of the sexual experiences you two will have in the future.
I have to say though, if you cut out foreplay altogether you’re missing out on an opportunity to improve the “actual” sex. It’s how you see what your partner’s hot spots are, try things when you’re not so hot and fevered. It’s the training ground, the safe place. And it’s part of what makes sex between humans so special. If you hump someone and then leave them, how are you acting different than an elephant or a cow? Though that would make for interesting porn, it usually doesn’t make for happy partners.
I’m in a relationship with an exhibitionist, and I’ve been trying to indulge his kink gradually. We’ve made out in public a few times, and got pretty frisky in places where we could be caught. It was fun, and I’ve slowly lost my fear of being so public. But he keeps talking about having sex in public areas now, where we really could get caught. There’s no way I’m ready for that! Help!! —A Little Too Shy
Honey, have you told him this? Do that first, before you come crying to me!
Alright, I’ll be nicer. First of all, good on you for trying to accommodate such an often-shunned kink. Not everyone would do that. But I agree with you in that making out in public and getting caught having sex are two very different things. And someone who doesn’t have this kink could definitely be scared by the idea. But why not warm up to it like you have been doing—gradually? You two could have heavy petting in more public places (without doing something that could get you arrested). Maybe that’ll build up to having sex in quasi-public places like bathroom stalls. You’ve made it this far, and this relationship sounds like it’s in for the long haul. So take it slow, and for the love of Pete please talk to your partner about this. It sounds like you’re pretty good about communication already, but if I’m the first to know your qualms then there might be a problem.
My girlfriend and I have been fooling around lately, and I noticed that my breasts have been getting bigger. I haven’t put on a lot of weight lately, and my period isn’t coming soon. Could this be because of the stuff we’ve been doing? Is this like when a guy gets an erection? —More Than A Feeling
Brilliant deduction! Breast swelling is definitely part of the female cycle of arousal. The National Health Service estimates that when you’re in the thrill of the moment, your breasts can increase in size up to twenty-five percent! It’s not as automatic as a guy getting an erection, though. More like Nature’s way of telling your partner, “I have what you want, lady. Come and get it.”
The fact that your size increase is lingering post-act makes me wonder. Are you having sex pretty frequently? Could you be ovulating? That’s the time before a woman gets her period where the egg is released. The body basically prepares itself to potentially get pregnant—symptoms include increased body temperature and a spike in sex drive. I dearly hope that that is the case for you, because it can lead to some great sexual experiences. Enjoy the expanded tatas!

What’s Ruffling Feathers This Week: Ever feel a little nervous about your stuff when the TSA people handle your bags at the airport? You may not be completely paranoid. Jill Filipovic, a writer at Feministe (a blog targeted toward women written exclusively by women), was traveling by plane with a vibrator in her bag this past October. The bag made it through security all right, but there was a little additional notification from the TSA. On the Notice of Inspection, someone had written, “GET YOUR FREAK ON GIRL.” No joke. She wrote about it and said that she found it funny as well as totally inappropriate. For me, I guess this is technically sex-positive? The creep factor is just too strong for words, though.