If Kobe Bryant had a Tinder profile, he would include only three photos to represent himself, since filling all six slots are for people who need to try.
The first picture would be an epic full-body shot of his playing basketball because, well, if a girl isn’t a jersey chaser to some degree, Mamba isn’t for her. Swipers would get a sense of his athleticism, build and intensity just through this initial picture.
Next would be a tighter shot of his face with a SnapChat filter on it — a filter that adds a little animation and shows Kobe can be silly, but also one that doesn’t distort his (refined) looks. And third, Mr. Bryant would include a picture of him and a child (who clearly isn’t his) walking hand-in-hand to illustrate how philanthropic, kind-hearted and again, how tall he is (since that’s a thing on Tinder).
In his bio, he would write, “24. It’s not my age. It’s my life.” Followed by one yellow and one purple heart and then a daisy chain of basketball emojis. And after April 13, he would add to his photos a screenshot of his Tweet that reads, “Mamba may be out, but I’ll still be in,” respective of his departure from the NBA.
At 37, Bryant’s two decades in the NBA, which he spent entirely as a Laker, got him five championship rings, two Olympic medals and earned him the title of MVP of the NBA All-Star Game four time.
This all ended with a bang in a game against the Utah Jazz. The Lakers (obviously) won the match up 101-96, thanks to the 60 points Bryant scored himself. I mean, the man has reached 81 points before in a single game in the past, so I was a little underwhelmed. *insert side eyes emoji*
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Nonetheless, celebrities infiltrated Staples Center to watch Bryant say adios (literally – who knew he spoke fluent Spanish?) in his final game. From members of the Throne, aka Kanye West and Jay Z (sans Bey), one-third of the Beckham clan, Snoop D-O-double-G , Adam Levine and his wife Behati, the Weeknd and gf Bella Hadid, Kobe’s former teammates Lamar Odom and Shaq and per usual, Jack (the-ultimate-Lakers-fangirl) Nicholson.
People jumped out of their seats with every swish of a Bryant basket. A reel of Mamba’s epic triumphs coupled with interviews by fellow NBA stars and other celebrities was shown. To say the least, homage was paid to “God,” as said by Kanye/Yeezus (the ultimate culprit of blasphemy) – Kendrick Lamar even made him a hit.
While both lovers and haters of Kobe were shaken by the legend’s NBA retirement, places like Myanmar, Japan and Ecuador experienced some real, physical shakes this past week.
On April 13, Myanmar was hit by a 6.9 magnitude earthquake. There were no reported deaths as a result; however, a number of residents in nearby Bangladesh experienced injuries. Just one day later, Japan felt a magnitude-6.2 quake, which was closely followed by another at 7.0 on Saturday.
USA Today reported that 41 people were killed by the natural disasters and around 11 individuals are missing. In South America, Ecuador got it the worst this week with a magnitude-7.8 tremble late April 16, resulting in the deaths of around 413 people and 1,500 injuries.
Seismic experts have commented that the back-to-back earthquakes around the globe are, in fact, a tragic coincidence and they are unrelated to one another.
If you’re looking to forget about the tragedies of the real world for a while, Netflix, as usual, has got you. On April 15, the Netflix Original, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt returned to my life with 13 new episodes. Season two of the series was full of hilarity in the form of masked societal jabs and musical numbers by the infamous Titus Andromedon.
The story of Kimmy, played by The Office’s Ellie Kemper, resumes as she is still learning how to maneuver through life after having been held captive for 15 years in an underground bunker. This season, we are graced with appearances by Fred Armisen, who brings some Portlandia greatness to the screen and, unsurprisingly, more ingenious stories.