Just when I thought I had achieved the political cynic’s equivalent of Nirvana — a state in which you are absolutely at peace with your utter hatred for all politicians everywhere — I made the mistake of reading conservative strategist Frank Luntz’s instruction manual for Republicans on how they can continue to advance their right wing agenda. Now I am no longer at peace.
Luntz’s message in a nutshell: Embrace propaganda. The 160-page playbook features some real gems, like when Luntz advises conservatives to dodge questions of fiscal irresponsibility by bringing up terrorism.
“The trick then is to contextualize the deficit inside of 9/11,” he writes. Whenever I hear a Republican engage in this kind of rhetorical game it makes me want to contextualize my foot inside of his or her ass.
But the highlight of the document — and the part that really screwed up that whole enlightenment thing that I had going — is a memorandum at the very end entitled “The 14 Words Never to Use.” Luntz provides a list of words that he believes can undermine a conservative argument, and offers alternative words to replace them. “From today forward,” he writes, “you are the language police.”
For example, Luntz suggests that conservatives never say “government” and instead say “Washington,” never say “privatization” and instead say “personalization,” and never say “outsourcing” and instead say “look there’s Paris Hilton” and then run away. No, actually he says conservatives should blame outsourcing on “over-taxation, over-regulation and too much litigation.” He adds, “Because it rhymes, it will be remembered.”
Conservatives must think Americans are really stupid. Do you know why? Because Americans really are stupid. But let’s not use the word “stupid” — that plays bad in the Midwest — let us use the word “innocent.” Americans are so “innocent” that their opinions about an issue can radically change depending on the words used to describe it. For example, Luntz points out that 10 percent more Americans say they want to repeal the “death tax” than say they want to repeal the “estate tax.”
In other words, if you give something a nice sounding name (i.e. Clear Skies Initiative) people will be less likely to care that they can’t breathe. It is all about the branding.
With this in mind, Luntz tells his Republican brethren not to talk about “undocumented workers” and “immigration reform” because that leads people to believe that Mexicans are people. Conservatives should instead talk about “illegal aliens” and “border security,” he says. These words remind many “innocent” Americans of the movie Independence Day. And who wouldn’t root for Will Smith in his fight against those lousy space creatures?
Luntz also advises conservatives to never say “drilling for oil” and instead say “exploring for energy.” I think Republicans can do better than that. Here are a few more suggestions: “Cleansing the earth of its toxins,” “deep tissue massaging the land for God’s bounty,” and “finger banging Mother Nature until she oil-gasms.”
The only problem with the list — apart from offering a disgusting insider’s view of the banality of politics — is that it only appeals to one side of the aisle. I would like to see a list for ultra left-wing liberals. Until that day, I can offer a bit of advice: If you want to be as annoying and soulless as Republicans — and actually win for a change — you have to steal their tricks. Remember to contextualize everything that is wrong with the world inside of President Bush:
Never say: “Corporate media.”
Instead say: “Bush’s legions of
propagandists.”
Never say: “Asian tsunami disaster.” Instead say: “Bush’s new tsunami weapon of mass destruction.”
Never say: “Environmental destruction.” Instead say: “Raping the earth like Bush raped my sister.”
See how that works? It’s simple. And when in doubt, make sure your words rhyme, because then people will remember. For example:
“President Bush / Can kiss
my tush.”

[email protected]