After the doldrums of the post-Oscar rush winter season, the upcoming spring movie season promises to be a breath of fresh air for cinemaphiles. Let’s take a quick look at the upcoming film mother load that will be offered to us during the next few months. Of course, once people realize this is mere subtle sarcasm, they will probably be filled with an unbearable sense of futility and sadness.
Spring break will see the release of the long awaited sequel to “The Ring,” the cleverly titled “The Ring 2.” Directed by Hideo Nakata, the director of the original Japanese “Ringu” series, the film promises to offer Japanese horror fanatics another watered-down American
version of the movies they love. Three cheers for Hollywood and
for a director who is literally
repeating himself.
March 25 brings us the latest opus from Sandra Bullock, “Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous,” a film in which the very concept is so banal it may very well slip into nonexistence before the projectors even start rolling. Also opening is “Guess Who,” starring that veritable acting juggernaut Ashton Kutcher in a reworking of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” Modern race relations will never again see a more sensitive and thoughtful on-screen portrayal.
One of the most talked about films of the year, “Sin City,” offers a hard-hitting script and a dazzling visual style that achieve the impossible by making it look as if Bruce Willis is actually acting. April 8 brings promise to all of those who have begged to see Steve Zahn as a lovable
sidekick in a cheesy action film, as he stars alongside Matthew McConaughey in “Sahara,” a film
that in no way was created to capitalize on the success of “The Da Vinci Code.”
Another horror classic gets the Michael Bay-and-whatever-former-music-video-director-he-hired treatment with the release of “The Amityville Horror” on April 15. Should play great in the automaton market. April 22 has Nicole Kidman as the title character in “The Interpreter,” in which Sean Penn plays a detective looking for the mysterious origins of Kidman’s accent.
Fan boys across the world
will rejoice on April 29 with the release of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” The streets will be filled with revelers chanting their credo of “Dear God, Please Don’t Let It Suck.” On the diminishing returns front is “XXX: State of the Union,” which stars a bunch of people who apparently had nothing better to do. Can Ice Cube fill Vin Diesel’s shoes? The world waits for the answer.
May 6 brings us Orlando Bloom’s first attempt at a real acting career with the release of “Kingdom of Heaven.” Director Ridley Scott
can be expected to bring all the emotional depth and moving character development that made
his “Gladiator” such a rousing success among the tasteless and vacant-eyed. For those wishing to see Paris Hilton dipped in a vat of boiling wax, “House of Wax” may
have the goods you have been looking for, but may not be worth the risk.
May 13 opens with the oh-so-cleverly titled “Monster-in-Law,” which stars Jennifer Lopez, who
as an actress must suffer under
the stigma of being the bane of all that is good and wholesome in modern society. It also inexplicably stars Jane Fonda, as well as an some actor or other as the male lead, though that might as well
be filled by a potted fern for all
anyone cares.
Simpering little geeks around the world will explode in another joyous fangasm on May 20 with the release of the latest crappy “Star Wars” movie, “Episode III: Return of the Sith.” It stars Ewan McGregor as a man with no legitimate career left and Hayden Christensen as a block of wood.
Finally, May 27 gives us Adam Sandler ruining a halfway decent film from the 1970s as the screeching man-child clobbers his way through “The Longest Yard.”

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