In light of Sunday’s Academy Awards, the Emerald is proud to announce its awards for the best political performances of the week. And the winners are…
President Bush for “Best Double Standard, Health Related”: He said he opposes allowing cheap prescription drugs to enter the United States from Canada because they are unsafe, and yet Bush is seeking to expand Canadian beef imports despite two recent mad cow disease incidents,
according to The Associated Press. Maybe we are crazy, but wouldn’t protecting Americans from diseases rather than affordable medications be a more effective way to keep the public healthy? A side note to any entrepreneurial-minded students interested in starting their own businesses in Canada: Lipitor-fortified steak. Think about it.
AARP The Magazine for “Best Act of Cowardice in Publishing”: Editors of the largest circulation magazine in the country bowed down to pressure from anti-drug groups and pulled an article on medical marijuana from its March/April edition, according to a Drug Policy Alliance press release, even though a poll of AARP readers found that more than 70 percent believed marijuana should be legalized for medical purposes. All together now: What is the AARP smoking?
USA Next for “Best Summation of Every Republican Argument”: The conservative lobbying organization that brought us the hilarious comedy team Swift Boat Veterans for Truth has been running an Internet ad that shows a red X through a picture of a soldier and a green check on a picture of two guys kissing; it is entitled, “The real AARP agenda.” For Republican rhetoricians, two guys kissing is the new Hitler. Surprisingly, this ad was made
after AARP came out against the Bush
administration’s plan to privatize social security. Here is a lesson to all you
marketing students out there: It’s best
not to be subtle when targeting “the American heartland,” a fact that USA Next clearly grasps.
Cartoon Characters for “Best Stupid Target for Religious Crusade”: Shrek 2’s animated cross-dressing bartender is the latest in a series of cartoon characters and puppets to receive the wrath of a vengeful Christian right, including SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie. Though we would not shed a tear for Barney, this persecution of minority cartoons must stop.
Supreme Court for “Best Letdown in American Jurisprudence”: The High Court refused to hear a case challenging the
constitutionality of an Alabama law banning the sale of sex toys on Tuesday.
Listening to Justices Scalia and O’Connor discuss whips and vibrators would
have been the most entertaining moment for Supreme Court watchers since Lawrence v. Texas tackled gay sex. Justice Thomas’ insights would have been
particularly illuminating.
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