I hate bowl games.
That’s right, I hate ’em.
Well, aspects of them at least.
At the same time, I do still love them.
I love the fact that I can watch the No. 1 and 2 ranked offenses in the nation (Louisville and Boise State), which don’t disappoint and end up slugging it out 44-40.
I love the fact that the next Michael Vick was on display in the Rose Bowl.
I love the fact that teams really can win on the final play of the game.
Hey LSU, way to play great prevent defense.
But there is nothing that annoys me more than the influence that corporations now have on college football and their
disheartening, if not maddening, presence.
By the end of the first quarter of the Rose Bowl, I was reciting the new Motorola
commercial for their slim phone. I wasn’t even through my first plate of food before I had seen three Tostitos chip commercials (which made the food I was eating seem
inferior, because it didn’t inspire me to make construction noises while eating to bond with my family).
First Quarter Tally:
Tostitos Count: 3
Cingular/Nokia Count: 2
Ford Count: 1
Plates of Food: 1
Annoyed, yes. Disheartened? Getting there.
It’s pretty easy to get to that point when you have to get through the following:
Home Depot Solutions to the Game. First Down and Ten brought to you by AOL.
Stadium Refreshments by Coke. Dr. Pepper Halftime Show. Cingular Pregame Show.
Chevrolet Player of the Game. Aerial view brought to you by the Goodyear Blimp. The Aflac Trivia Question.
The Air that Players Breathe brought to
you by Aquafina (The Best Tasting Air
Ever. Period.)
Mascots appearing thanks to the generous donation by Foot Locker.
The American flag brought to you by
Liberty Insurance.
Al Michael’s words brought to you by
Radio Shack.
Stop it!
The horrible thing is, only about 45
percent of the stadium/field/players are
covered by logos.
There are so many more possibilities.
Soon the yardage markers will look like NASCAR cars and the goal posts will be
provided courtesy of Time Warner.
Furthermore, the network will be subject to removal if it does not air more than five CNN commercials in an hour.
Maybe instead of referees just participating in beer commercials, they will be forced to wear uniforms with Coors Light emblazoned across their chest.
In addition, there will be matching
beer helmets.
Standard equipment, you understand.
Soon, penalties will sound like this: “Holding on the offense, number 68, 10 yards from the spot of the foul, second down. Play beer!”
Coaches will be forced to drink Pepsi or Coke during the game.
Games will be stretched to six hours so all products can get their just time.
And I will not be watching any of it because I will be out trying to buy everything that is on television, because that is what Americans do.
Yar! (When I get frustrated, I
revert to pirate-isms. Sorry.)
Hey Motorola, I get it, your phone is thin!
Hey Ford, I get it, you’re redefining the class of sedan/SUV/big-ass, unneeded vehicle — again!
Hey Tostitos, I get it, you can use chip as a bowl!
I get it, but I don’t want to get your product!
Why must you beat me over the head with it?
I sat there and watched both the Rose Bowl presented by CitiBank and the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. About seven hours of football (give or take).
Plus an hour and a half of commercials (give or take.)
Final Tally (give or take):
Tostitos Count: 12
Cingular Count: 15
Plates of Food Count: 4
Beers Drank: 0
Beers I Wish I Had Drank By
Then: 26

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