Oops, I did it again. I’ve fallen in love. With you.
So your new album comes out today, and in honor of that event, you’re touring the world, you’re appearing on television more often than Ronnie of Ronnie’s Stereo and you’re on more magazine covers than President Bush.
In honor of your new album, I’m exerting a little less effort but will feel far more pain. I’m declaring my love for you, Britney. I may never be able to look a buddy in the eye again but, dang it, I can’t deny my feelings! While many a “respectable” columnist would decry your overtly sexual image, I think I speak for a lot of males in this country when I say, “Keep on truckin’! We love you!”
How do I love you, Britney? Let me count the ways. Reason No. 1 is your innocence. Any guy who tells you he doesn’t love the innocence of Britney is just plain lying. Through his gums. I mean, this is a girl who posed for a photo shoot with Esquire magazine with no pants on. Inside, she found her pants (well, bikini bottoms, anyway) but somehow lost her shirt. It must have shrunk in the wash. In the same breath, she told the magazine she doesn’t see herself as a sexual icon.
“That’s strange, and I don’t think about things like that,” she said. “Why should I? I don’t have to deal with those people. I’m concerned with the kids out there. I’m concerned with the next generation.”
She’s oblivious! I love it! She’s a guilt-free pleasure. Like a Krispy Kreme donut with no calories but all of the taste. Only Britney could pose for a semi-nude photo shoot and still come across as innocent as Bambi.
Britney, I hate to break this to you, but it’s not about the music. It never really has been, since the day the “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” video landed on MTV. Your new song with Madonna is called “Me Against the Music.” Well, in a fight against the music, Britney, you’re winning. You’re killing the music. The music is dying. The people in the “Save the Music” campaign should stop focusing on Napster and start focusing on Britney.
But that’s OK, because in the video for “Me Against the Music,” you almost kiss Madonna. At the MTV Video Music Awards earlier this year, you DID kiss Madonna. And that, not the music, is why I love you. Madonna also kissed Christina Aguilera, right after she kissed you, but does anybody remember the Christina kiss? Heck, no!
Secretly, we all know Christina’s done it before. She’s dirrrrty. But when you kissed Madonna it was scandal! Headlines! Low morals! I don’t know where I was going with that. I guess I just wanted to rip on Christina. She’s so dirrrrty.
The worst part of that VMA kiss was when they kept cutting back to damn Justin Timberlake, scowling like a schoolboy who just lost his ice cream cone.
Britney, I want you to know that if I ever meet Justin on the street, I’ll judo-chop him on the neck and draw a mustache on his face with permanent marker when he’s out cold. Ha ha. Shaved-head sucker.
But enough with the negativity. Back to the things I love about you. Just one more thing. I love this whole “I’m a grown-up now, so I don’t care what I do, and I don’t care what you think about it” thing. Britney’s hitting the clubs, partying it up, drinking. She’s not a girl, but she is a woman now.
When “…Baby One More Time” came out, Britney was 18 but looked 15. It was a little wrong to like her so much. But now, she’s 21! She can go to bars, and she does! Theoretically, I could buy Britney a vodka-tonic and she could ignore me for the rest of the night! Theoretically.
Seriously, Britney, as you blossom, so does your fan base. Don’t listen to the critics who say you’re a bad role model for kids. Forget the people who say you’re too scandalous. You just “feel comfortable in my own skin,” as you told ABC’s Diane Sawyer. “I think it’s OK to express yourself and be the way you want to be.”
Just keep expressing yourself, Britney. I feel like I’ve expressed myself, even if it means I’ll have to wear a ski mask around campus so people don’t recognize me. It’s OK. It was worth it.
Now, just don’t expect me to go out and buy the new CD.