Attention Californians: While nobody on the Emerald Editorial Board can vote in your state (and hence in Tuesday’s recall election), we still find merit in weighing in on which of the (many) clowns is qualified to run your three-ring circus.
Since announcing his campaign, Ah-nold has received a crash course in American politics: As an actor, you can have your way with barnyard animals and nobody cares. But as a politician, even that gnat you squashed last Saturday will haunt you on the front of the New York Post. Soon after, aliens will abduct your wife and have her love child aboard their starships, which is sure to be reported on the cover of the Weekly World News.
Just days after polls said Ah-nold would likely become the next leader to drive California further into the ground, women came out of the woodwork to accuse him of “groping” and “humiliating” them. Just think: If he’s elected, he’ll be guilty of groping and humiliating the state of California, too.
But never fear, the woman-ator is sure to bounce back — even with allegations that he’s sexually harassed everybody between California and the lush, rolling fields of Oz. And hey, at least his wife, Maria Shriver, went on C-SPAN to plug his keen ability to work with children, which will surely come in handy when he starts working with the California Legislature.
Cruz Bustamante’s campaign — just as bizarre as Ah-nold’s ingenious “get sued” strategy — is doomed for failure. His platform: Don’t vote for me! Gee, that’s effective. Arianna Huffington tried it too, but she couldn’t take the heat of trying to lose; she dropped out in late September.
As Fox has promised, we’ll all learn in their latest travesty that “Skin” pornos and politics don’t mix. But one would think the California recall election was the best thing to happen to Larry Flynt — who is also running for governor — since the evolution of sex organs. We fear, however, that Flynt would probably rule the land with all the brilliance of a dim lightbulb. One possible perk: wild orgies inside the governor’s mansion. As America has already learned several times, sex is good for the economy.
Speaking of bodily functions, has anybody seen Gray Davis make any kind of facial expression? We know that Botox is popular in The Golden State, but this is ridiculous. Happy, sad, frustrated, excited, mortally wounded — it’s all a blank stare to the “Weekend at Bernie’s”-like Davis!
But wait, let’s not forget Oregon’s own contribution to The Recall. Brooke Adams, a 25-year-old Independent and former student of the University’s School of Journalism and Communication, is running on the ever-popular “I’m-way-better-looking-than-Arianna Huffington” platform. Oh, did we mention she is a former Emerald freelancer? Said Adams on her Web site (http://www.brookeforgovernor.com): “Taking bold action, I’ll rollback car taxes, fix worker’s compensation, encourage business investment, reduce spending and set our state on the right course.” Go get ’em, Brooke!
Beyond all the “traditional” candidates and somewhere in the brouhaha of California politics, one up-and-comer appeared, and we’re positive he’ll be the best for California: Captain Morgan.
The Captain, if you don’t already know, is responsible for the drunken debauchery of millions, Ah-nold probably included. He can kill the pain, lower taxes and prolong the unhindered Californian breeding capacity — and that’s good enough for us.
Of course you have to be of legal drinking age to enter the Web site (http://www.californians4captainmorgan.org), but no word yet on whether you have to be 21 to vote for him.
So if you’re registered, vote Captain Morgan for California governor. We’ll drink to that!