Spring is upon us once again, meaning that Hollywood is about to kick off its big movie season. Soon we will feast upon a bountiful harvest of multimillion-dollar mania and drink from the bottomless well of visual stimuli until our bleedin’ heads explode. Here is a preview of upcoming releases, written under duress by a battered and fragile intellect that could hardly handle all the excitement.
Opening tomorrow is “Hellboy,” a comic book adaptation of such action-packed spectacularness that it will probably make most critics wet their pants with joy. It stars Ron Perlman as a special effect, as well as a delightful cast of Nazis. Also opening tomorrow is “Dogville,” a moving, feel-good comedy that stars Nicole Kidman. “Walking Tall,” a remake of a Joe Don Baker movie, will be opening as well. It stars The Rock as a man filled with an uncontrollable lust for lumber. This flick promises to be the breakout romance of the season.
April 9 brings the release of “The Alamo,” which tells the story of a bunch of white people standing up for their right to annex sovereign territory — all while shooting Mexicans! This film will certainly make us all realize how good it is to be American.
April 16 brings us another film that follows in the grand American tradition of gun violence: An adaptation of the comic book “The Punisher.” While the film does not involve annexation, it does contain another classic cinematic standby: the high body count. Also opening that day is the second act of Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill.” Rumor has it that this film might be a tad on the violent side. There is also something opening on April 23, but I don’t want to tell you what it’s called. So there!
Opening on April 30 is “Laws of Attraction,” a film about love and lawyers, “Godsend,” a film about love and clones, and “Bobby Jones, Stroke of Genius,” a film about love and golf.
Looking to May, we find an equally full selection of exciting new plot ideas. Opening on May 14 is “Troy,” which, according to the preview, has something to do with a bunch of boats and Brad Pitt killing a guy with a spear. On May 28, we have “The Day After Tomorrow,” a film about a group of rogue special effects shots that attack famous monuments across the country. It’s up to the creators of “Independence Day” to find a solution to the problem while keeping a select group of main characters intact throughout the film’s running time.
For those looking for a different form of disaster, “Soul Plane” also opens on May 28. The film sums up all the joy and excitement invoked by the words “commercial airlines” and also features, in a daring casting move, Snoop Dogg playing a man who smokes pot.
Looking forward to June, we have the latest entry in the Harry Potter series, “Harry Potter and the Massive Marketing Campaign.” In this film, the plucky young pagan hero does battle with the forces of international communism, once again making the world safe for capitalism. Also being released is “Garfield: The Movie,” a heart-wrenching drama which will feature the tragic side of the comic strip, particularly Odie’s secret life in the Tijuana porn underground.
Other cinematic highlights in June include “The Stepford Wives,” a moving human-interest story about a woman who is forced to be married to Matthew Broderick, “The Chronicles of Riddick,” which stars Vin Diesel as an Olympic swim team member who battles the forces of evil, and finally “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead,” which stars Clive Owen and features a stunning musical performance by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.
So, until next time folks, pleasant film-going.