The scene: A Washington, D.C., congressional room. This is “The April Fools’ Hearings.”
A distinguished panel of guests sits against one wall, while a chair stands in the middle of the room, facing the panel. The panel consists of George W. Bush, Janet Jackson, ALF, Barry Bonds and Simon Cowell.
The first person to give testimony before the panel is, of course, Condoleezza Rice.
Bush: So, Condi, could we have prevented Sept. 11?
Rice: Mr. President, I don’t know how to answer that.
Bush: Just say ‘no,’ Condi.
Rice: No.
Bush: Yes.
Rice: What?
Bush: No. Yes. Let’s build a fort on the moon!
The next person to testify is Justin Timberlake.
ALF: Justi-i-fied, did you know the phrase “wardrobe malfunction” is the most-used new phrase in the English language? It’s even more overused than “1-800-C-O-L-L-E-C-T.”
Jackson: Yeah. You ruined my career.
Timberlake: What? You ruined your own career. You’re the one who left your bra at home on Super Bowl Sunday. Besides, you have a new song out. You’re going to be fine. Where is the love?
Cowell: That rendition of “Rock Your Body” was absolutely the worst performance in the history of the Super Bowl. I mean, I was in tears, I was so bored.
Bush: What? They sang? I was just looking at Janet’s boobies. Ha ha! I said boobies!
The next person to testify is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bonds: So, Arnie, what are you going to do about this steroid issue?
Arnold: No-ting. I take de steroids when I was building muscle and all of dat.
Bonds: Yeah? Oral or injectable?
Arnold: Injectable.
Bonds: Oh, man, I hate that! I always take them oral. I mean, I don’t take them. At all.
Bush: The steroids issue is the most important issue facing Americans today.
ALF: But Mr. President, what about our crumbling education system? What about all the American soldiers being killed in Iraq? What about health care?
Bush: Are you kiddin’ me? We need to find out if Bonds was juicin’ when he hit those 73 home runs! Go Rangers!
The next person to testify is John Kerry.
Bush: How’s it hangin’, wuss?
Kerry: Mr. President, I don’t wish to engage in petty debates in this forum.
Bush: OK, wuss. How’s it been defending our country from imminent threats lately?
Kerry: Mr. President, I haven’t been doing that lately. It’s been a while since I got back from Vietnam.
Bush: Oh, snap! No you didn’t!
Kerry: Yes I did!
Bush: But seriously, as president, will you look for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
Kerry: No. Maybe in the White House, though. Oh, snap!
Bush: Let’s fly to the moon.
All in unison: April fools!