So I have volunteered to write this column for Valentine’s Day, but as I sit down to start I find myself in a state of indifference. I mean, what’s there to say that hasn’t been said already? We have an online poll about the holiday this week, and one way you can answer is “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.” That option probably best reflects my thoughts, although I might add to that a state of total confusion.
Come Feb. 14, love is the word on the streets, yet it doesn’t seem all that lovely to me.
“You’re just lonely,” some might say. No, really — it’s not that. My issues are with the blatant contradictions in this day, which supposedly represents love. Of course, it carries the usual consumer frenzy that surrounds every calendar holiday. Colored chalk hearts, hydrogenated candy, and the colors FD&C Red 3 and 40, Yellow 5 and 6, and Blue 1 are common expressions of this love; gifts of unhealthy doses of refined sugar to your closest loved one abound. Furthermore, we spend exorbitant sums of cash and consume excessively in order to make an impression on those we adore. This description may be extreme, but such an aesthetic does exist.
Of course, in our society, love is intertwined with sex. I mean, saying you love someone often means you’re
having, or want to have, a sexual relationship with them. The words frequently don’t come out until long after the act has happened, so “I love you” only signifies “I’m having sex with you.” But this is a claim-based approached to love. Love and sex are not one and the same, but they sure as heck get mixed up that way.
Unfortunately, I am not equipped with the knowledge to make a successful critique of monogamy, so I won’t even try. I don’t really have a problem with it anyway. I’m sure there are plenty of healthy, monogamous relationships that do exist. It’s only the obligation-based aspects of monogamy that bother me. When we date someone, for example, need we restructure our entire lives to accommodate one person? This habit is often taken to extremes, and we start ignoring our family and close friends all for the sake of this one person.
The myth of true love also propagates. For example, throughout your life you might find yourself having a string of relationships, but then one day, you’ll come across “the one” and perhaps get married to represent the commitment. Again, the hierarchical aspects of this concept bother me. So when you find your true love, what does that mean about everyone else? Maybe it’s more accurately the one true sexual love. Then again, many folks don’t even have sex until after they’re married.
What confuses me is how someone can claim to “love” another person and yet still condone, or do violence, to another. How can we hold our girlfriend’s and boyfriend’s hands in joy, but then berate a stranger based on the lone fact that he or she is unknown as we pass each other on the streets? This is a small example. More extreme is when we literally beat up each other over “love” or a simple misunderstanding. Why must it work this way? Why must a hierarchy of love exist? Why must we divide the concept? Don’t we know
divided love can’t work?
Frankly, I think it’s this attitude of division that has gotten the human race into this predicament we’re in, with our dropping bombs and spying, with pornography, prostitution and rape still commonplace. Our society’s concept of “love” too frequently revolves around the objectification of another. This is unhealthy; it promotes a disconnect and allows for dominance over another because after all, we don’t love them. What we pay attention to determines what we ignore. All the more extreme with love. We love this but not that. This dominance is not love; it’s a fashion.
Still, lonely on Valentine’s Day is a tough place to be. Having been there before, probably having a thought literally along the lines of, “A Valentine’s Day without someone to cover with kisses?” I can say it’s difficult. However, this problem begins to dissolve when we start to love all beings, living and non-living, unconditionally. In the past, I have fallen under the spell of many of the previous notions of love I just mentioned. Therefore, it is actually quite difficult to be able to say “I love unconditionally.” But this is what I’m trying for.
Let’s sow our seeds for peace on this Valentine’s Day, and keep remembering the simple things. If we can eat, breathe and sleep comfortably, this is more than large portions of the world have. So let’s stop focusing on the definition and the labels, and start cultivating a care and respect for our bodies and minds, and a mindfulness for all life in our actions.