The Eugene Police Department took aberration to a new level during Valentine’s Day weekend, opting to use undercover officers to prevent rioting. This is perhaps the most nauseating use of tax dollars and services by EPD in some years, and it goes without saying that any future use of covert cops for the purposes of party busting should be on its way out, in the same fashion as the one-too-many tequila shot.
EPD’s new policy — which, unfortunately, is legal — is so nonsensical that it must stem from a bout of late-night drinking itself, for it seems irrational any sober person or persons could arrive at such a procedure.
Here goes: Undercover officers may now be used to investigate parties where alcohol sales are suspected. But how is one supposed to determine when and where alcohol-related sales occur? Suppose someone has bought 10 cases of beer and plans to sell each can for a dollar or two. How is EPD going to know?
OK, so maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. Maybe plain-clothes officers will instead go to residences where kegs are registered.
But how does possession of a keg lead to the supposition that one intends to charge others for alcohol? How does possession of a keg lead to the supposition that alcohol will be sold? Does the registration of a keg clearly imply that one intends to charge others for alcohol? The possibility is there, sure. But it does not mean that sales will occur, and surely does not justify intrusion into one’s home.
Next, undercover officers could be used to investigate parties where minors are suspected of drinking. OK. So, a couple of clandestine cops come to a party; are they going to ask for people’s IDs? No! Their ever-so-important cover would be blown. So, then, an undercover officer could enter your house with an assumption of underage drinking, leave with nothing more than that same assumption, and then call for the calvary. How is that an efficient allocation of time? That’s creating twice as much work, and officers are still working without sufficient evidence.
These very same cloak-and-dagger officers could also be used to infiltrate residences that receive complaints. Say a party receives a complaint for noise or people in the streets. If such is the case, then wouldn’t it be blatantly obvious to officers when they arrive on the scene? If not, then what justification would undercover officers have to enter someone’s house? How could a neighbor complain of activities or noise that isn’t audible or evident to the average observer?
Despite all the questions that arise from this fantastic plan, there must be a point. And here it is: “The whole idea is to prevent riots,” EPD Sgt. Terry Fitzpatrick said.
So, a party with 50 people will start a riot? Fitzpatrick said one-third to one-half of the people in attendance at the Feb. 14 party were minors. Under Fitzpatrick’s estimates, with 17 minors cited — the entire underage-party total, surely, because underage drinking is such an epidemic that they must have all been breaking the law — that means only 51 people were in attendance.
Well, despite size, this was one of the parties where rioting was a possibility. So how, then, does sending in undercover officers do any good? If it is fact that minors are drinking, that alcohol is being sold and that complaints have been lodged, then why doesn’t the entire department show up with pen and alcohol-related-citation after citation in hand, prepared to “protect and serve”?
Most absurd is not EPD, however. Mark Jaehnig, an investigator for the Oregon Liquor Control Commission, said the agency seized up to $15,000 worth of band and computer equipment. The justification: The items were “alcohol-related.”
Enough is enough. EPD seriously has its priorities out of line if it has nothing better to do than expend energy — twice that of normal — to seek out parties where trivial offenses may or may not occur. What about the property crimes EPD Chief Robert Lehner speaks so worriedly about?
Well, here’s a little something for both agencies, which seem ever-so-eager to fine students, invade privacy and confiscate property: The Emerald is going to have a party this year, but the date has yet to be determined. There will be cups, perhaps filled with alcohol. A staff member will play us songs on his bongos. And the editor will do a striptease to the fine tune of “Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo.”
EPD, come on in. And bring OLCC, too. Confiscate the cups, bongos and the editor’s clothing (alcohol-related, of course).
Notwithstanding a common-sense hangover, it’s important that this you two pillars of the community live up to the absurdity set forth.