Top 10 Reasons to Buy
a Hummer, Truck or SUV
10. With an array of exciting features, these all-terrain vehicles are sure to be an important amenity for every one of those dangerous, off-road excursions you’ll be taking in the suburbs. Wide tread wheels! Under-body protection! Stop the car! That lawn over there has a spot that’s not perfectly manicured! Let’s go run down their house with this kick-ass four-wheel drive!
9. When you pull up next to a ride full of sweet honeys and rev your engine, no one will question the size of your “trombone.” Band members, get yours now.
8. Rest assured, you’re helping to pad the pockets of the Bush Administration through their ties with Halliburton. Every gallon of gas you purchase is another reason that this administration will never want to investigate the possibility of fuel cells, an extremely dangerous concept. Vehicles fueled on water that expel nothing but water? What will roadside birds oil themselves up with if we have only H20 dripping from our tailpipes?
7. The parking game will become ten times more fun once your car can’t squeeze into regular spaces. You won’t be able to fit unless you’re taking up one whole spot and just enough of a second to prevent anyone else from parking there. This should be especially fun in those spacious University parking lots; prepare for myriad friendly notes on the dash from helpful students letting you know exactly where you can shove your vehicle the next time you encounter a parking problem.
6. I bet you think that you are only eligible for a tax break if you do some scummy Peace Corps work or donate your liver to an alcoholic Taiwanese ferret, right? Wrong! As it turns out, our government is currently in the habit of rewarding blatant disregard for the environment. The Environmental Protection Agency is encouraged to send complimentary champagne with every environmental violation notice. Congratulations! You’ve taken another 50 years off the life of the earth! Please enjoy this lovely brie basket as a token of our appreciation. Buy a car above 6,000 pounds today, claim it as a business expense and prepare for a $25,000 tax break tomorrow.
5. In the competition to beat Europeans at being complete idiots, the U.S. is already pulling ahead with abstinence-only education and freedom fries. Don’t let your country lose this lead! Only with improbably and unnecessarily large vehicles can we challenge environmentally friendly ‘smart’ cars. We need to come together as a nation and say “No!” to phantom parkers. Hey, that one’s open! Wait … damn! Not another stupid Mini Cooper!
4. The more gas you buy, the more “black gold” the U.S. purchases from international oil mongers. Support dependence on foreign oil and force American politicians to work harder to find creative excuses for invading the Middle East. We’re definitely not invading to get their oil. We’re attacking because, uh, Cat Stevens! They’re harboring Cat Stevens!
3. If not purchased from foreign sources, oil can also be drilled in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. Although some claim that this may harm a pristine national park, everyone knows that the caribou in Alaska love it when we replace their habitats with oil wells; how do you think they stay warm in the wintertime? By snuggling up against oil-filled pipelines, that’s how. Every SUV you purchase is another virtual fireplace for these and other such woodland creatures.
2. When you’re not busy assembling fake crime scenes involving empty milk cartons, dull knives and ketchup, take a few minutes out of your busy day to deplete the ozone layer by driving around a gas-guzzling monster car. After all, how will we ever be able to reach the pearly gates of heaven if we don’t first destroy that dense, protective layer of O3 molecules?
1. We all know that there are some times when you just need to fit your second car completely inside your first one.

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