After the president’s dramatic May 1 landing on an aircraft carrier, the media was obsessed with “Bush’s Bulge.” Who could have predicted that yet another suspicious presidential bunching of fabric would steal so much spotlight once again last week? Fortunately, this time it is a bulge north of the border.
Internet conspiracy theorists are saying that a visible protrusion on Bush’s back during the first presidential debate is evidence that he is getting feed information through a wireless earpiece.
The finest evidence against this theory is in plain sight — the President’s atrocious performance during the first debate.
If Bush was cheating during any of the presidential debates, it was last night’s. For the duration of the 90-minute pissing contest he performed much better, in style, but not in content. His smirks seemed a bit more presidential as he and Kerry flung lie after lie, repeating lies from other debates that had been previously discredited and even lying about their lies.
For those of you who missed the debates to watch the Sox and Yanks “debate” on the baseball field, we cannot blame you. For the rest of you, here is a list of awards from the last debate:
The Name Most Dropped Award goes to … John McCain by a nose, with All Mighty God a close second. Ironically, McCain had the advantage over The Omiscient One. Perhaps it was because he was in the audience, but the two candidates fell all over each other to mention McCain. Too bad we can’t vote for McCain instead of those other two ass kissers.
The I’m Here Too Award goes to … Rudy Guiliani, who was sitting right next to McCain but was never mentioned by the candidates.
The Most Telling Phrases Award goes to … Bush with “freedom is on the march” and “armies of compassion.” Bush can’t even
talk about positive things without using war metaphors. I know he said he is a “war
president … (with) war on my mind,” but this
is ridiculous.
The Worst Anachronistic Muckraking Question Award goes to … Bob Schieffer for asking Kerry what he thought of Catholic bishops who that say voting for him is a sin. By the way Bob, 1960 called — they want their question back.
The Worst Answer Award goes to … Kerry for answering Schieffer’s bishop question with “I respect their views.”
The Lowest Blow Award goes to … Kerry by a mile for bringing up Dick Cheney’s daughter when asked if homosexuality is a choice. Don’t bring the man’s daughter into this. Above the belt John. Keep it clean.
The Misdirected Attack Award goes to … Bush for saying he is going to restore “fiscal sanity” to Congress. Uh, could somebody tell Bush he has been president for four years and that the Congress is Republican controlled. You can’t run as an outsider-incumbent.
The Worst Joke of the Night Award goes to … Kerry for: “Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order.”
The Talking For 90 Minutes But Saying Nothing New Award goes to … of course, a tie. The Emerald would like to retract our original call for more debates. No more debates! For the love of John McCain, no more
debates!

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