Since presidential politics has become little more than an over-hyped example of show biz at its most disreputable, the Emerald would like to present the following awards for excellence in political info-tainment to the participants of the first 2004 Presidential Debate and the media circus that surrounded it:
- The Best ‘Up Yours’ Award goes to the television stations that broadcast reaction shots despite provisions in the ridiculously stodgy “Memorandum of Understanding” that directly forbade it.
- The Slow News Day Award goes to the overwhelming media coverage of the height of the podiums and the dimensions of the stools.
- The Two Snaps Up Award goes to the wardrobe consultant who made sure the candidates wore coordinated ties.
- The Softest Softball Question Award: “What colossal misjudgments, in your opinion, has President Bush made in these areas?” Jim Lehrer might as well have asked, “Mr. Kerry, would you please level any attack on your opponent?”
- The Most Obvious Use of a Word of the Day Calendar Award goes to George W. Bush for, “… That’s why they’re fighting so vociferously.”
- The Phrase With the Most Potential to Be Turned Into a Dirty Joke Award goes to John Kerry for using the term “backdoor draft.”
- The ‘Is This Thing On?’ Award goes to George W. Bush for telling jokes despite the fact that the audience was not allowed to laugh. Among his biggest flops was, “Well, actually, he forgot Poland.”
- The ‘Did They Seriously Just Mention Vietnam Again?’ Award goes to John Kerry, who alluded to Vietnam at least five times compared to Bush’s single reference.
- The ‘You Graduated from Yale?’ Award goes to Kerry for suggesting we have a “fresh start” in war, to which his constituency would like to see a fresh end.
- The ‘Thank Goodness Umms, Ahs and Awkward Pauses Don’t Appear in the Debate Transcripts’ Award most definitely goes to … uh … ah … umm … Bush.
- The Most Rehashing of a Convention Speech Award was close, but Kerry won by a nose with, “I defended this country as a young man at war, and I will defend it as president of the United States.”
- The Giving “Saturday Night Live” Even More Fodder to Mock Your Image Award is a tie. Kerry oozed an elitist arrogance that made the whole debate seem like an Addams Family spin-off series called “Mr. Lurch Goes to Washington,” while Bush looked like a stun-gunned chimpanzee that desperately needed to get to a Toastmasters meeting.
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